Anniversary Of Your Death

It hits like a ton of bricks. Twelve years and I still can't bear the pain. I miss your laugh. I miss your three A.M. phone calls. I miss your drunken rants. I miss the way you smoked though I hated it because I worried it would kill you. I couldn't stand the thought of losing you. I still can't.

Three days a year I want to die. For three days I would give up everything to be with you. Then I move on again until next year. I bury the pain and agony in living.

I remember the moment our eyes met. You were playing guitar, performing, singing as I walked into Steamers Café. Our eyes met instantly. You looked over and I looked up. In your eyes, I saw the awe. You made me feel beautiful from that first moment.

I went to Kurray and ordered. I danced to your music, flirting with every guy in the place. I was only meant to stop by but I liked your music, and I loved the way your eyes watched me as I danced to it. When you finished your set you approached. "I'm going out back for a smoke. I want you to come."

I smiled, "In a bit." Several guys wanted me to sit with them and get my digits and there were several conversations that needed wrapped up. I was playing the game, playing the field. I couldn't make it easy on you.

I made my excuses and made my way out in no rush. I thought I had all the time in the world. If only I'd known then how short our time would be.

You watched me as conversation swirled around. The guy next to you nearly came in his pants as he saw me walking that direction. You elbowed him and said, "Offer the lady your chair."

He got up, drool about coming down the side of his face as he eagerly got up thinking he was scoring points. I thought he was sweet; you thought he was an idiot. You were manipulating the whole thing.

As soon as I sat down while he yammered on about what a pleasure it was to let me have his chair, you grabbed it and pulled me and the chair as close as possible. The arms of the chairs interlocked and you dismissed the boy you'd just so callously duped.

I tried to engage in the group conversation. The boy brought over a chair and glared daggers at you from across the enclave. You didn't care. You turned your focus on me as though nothing else existed.

"Why have I never seen you here before?" You asked the gears turning in your head. It wasn't some cheesy line, you'd noticed I knew several regulars. You wanted a real answer.

"I don't know." It wasn't enough for you. "I usually come in the afternoons." It was the best answer I could give.

You wanted more of an explanation but that was all I had. "I like your music. You're really good."

You didn't need to be told, you knew you were. You'd been accepted to Julliard. You didn't tell me that then though. You never bragged. You never had to. You knew who you were.

We spent the rest the night talking. You asked for my number and you were the only guy I gave it to that night.

Days went by and you didn't call. I went to Steamers. You were there.

You saw me and after only a moment hesitation you approached. "Dude, you totally had me."

"What?" I had no idea what you were talking about.

"Props, I really thought you were sincere." You were smiling, your hand on my arm, but in your eyes was the slightest glimmer of pain.

My face must have given away my complete confusion.

"You didn't have to give me a fake number. You could have just said no but wow are you good." You laughed not in a mocking way but in a 'Let's be friends,' way.

"I did give you my number, I would never give out a fake one." To me giving out a fake number was weak, pathetic. You always had a way of pissing me off in the best ways. "You must have put it in wrong," I glared. "I was wondering why you hadn't called."

Art opened his phone scrolled through his contacts. I spotted my name. "There." He pulled up the contact.

"Four six, not seven six." I said calming down.  You retyped in the numbers this time I watched over your shoulder and again you typed it in wrong. "No!" I grabbed your phone. This time you would have the right number and you would never again have a reason to think I would lie.

I typed it in. "There." I saved it and handed back your phone.

"Uh, thanks." You looked at me as though you weren't quite sure I was even human. I walked up to Kurray who seemed to always be there. He was holding back a laugh and giving me his bedroom eyes that for once I was too mad to melt into.

Kurray was Mr. Mysterious and watched as I broke hearts left and right. Sam's, Josh's, Swen's. He never gave me the time of day which made him a bit more alluring than the others, but from that day forward he became like cardboard.

Every other girl talked about how sexy he was, but you were the only guy who existed for me after that.

You called. You didn't ask me on a date. You just wanted to hang out and gave fair warning it was a group thing. I agreed.

I don't remember who else was there but you kept your distance. Everything about it was bland and unmemorable.

Four twenty neared and you took me back to my apartment. My BYU approved Mormon apartment. "What's special about four twenty?" I asked, naive.

You looked at me like there was no way I could be serious. "It's the international time to smoke pot." You said in a way as though you weren't sure you should be explaining.

"Why four twenty?" I queried.

"It's so 24 hours a day there's always someone smoking." You glanced at the clock another minute ticked by.

I wanted more info, this was a new thing, I loved new things. I wanted to know all about it.

"We gotta go, I promised to smoke them out." Your eyes were a bit panicked and a bit in love with me.

Was it that I hadn't freaked out? Was it my curiosity? Was it because I was still so innocent of some things?

"Oh, well I won't make you late then. Have a good time." I got out of the car and you drove away with your friends.

I wasn't sure you were going to call me after that. I thought perhaps I'd failed in some way. Maybe I wasn't interesting enough or maybe the other two times it was just because you were drunk you thought I was pretty.

You did call.

We met up. We didn't do much. Was it Wendy's drive-thru where we got food? I loved their chicken nuggets back then. We talked and talked. I swear we spent more time in your old white rust bucket than anywhere else in the world. From that moment on you were the one I called when I was excited, dismayed, or just wanting to talk.

Gradually sex became an issue. Good little Mormon me wouldn't even go into your house after midnight and you were going stir crazy. You wanted laid and yet you hadn't even tried to kiss me.

So after a drunken phone call where you said "I just want to wake up next to you," we decided to date other people so you could get what you needed and didn't have to break up.

Whitney. She was all over you when I walked out back of Steamers. You pretty much told her she was just a piece of ass while you were waiting for me to be ready for more. Damn was she pissed. She slapped you so hard. Then tried harder to make you love her.

I just sat and watched barely saying anything. I'd come to tell you I was in love with you, but it was obviously the wrong time.

It was a bit ridiculous the looks you gave me as she nibbled on your ear and kissed your neck. You talked to me ignoring all her adorations. Even with her tits in your face you kept asking me questions.

She probably would have gone down on you while I watched if you hadn't stopped her.

We started seeing each other more again. I went to your apartment. I brought some non-alcoholic sparkling cider and terrible chocolate eclairs and an oversized card. I told you, "I love you."

You sighed, "I slept with Whitney."

I covered my eyes I couldn't look at you. "When?" If it had been last month I would have understood but we'd been seeing each other nearly every day lately.

"Last night."

Those two words tore my heart in half. I ran out. You ran after me. I jumped in my car and backed out while being unable to bear looking at you. You tried to stop me. I nearly crashed into another car before you gave in and let me go.

Months passed. Every day I missed you more and the betrayal lessened its hold.

My nephew was diagnosed with cancer and I ran to you. You were the only person who could make me feel better no matter what tragedy struck.

You and Tia were living together then. You weren't sure but you suspected she was pregnant. You didn't hug me, you ignored me. I told you about my nephew and you were as cold as ice.

I let your neighbor console me. He and I dated, he was just there. He was never anything but just there to me. We broke up.

At three A.M. my phone rang. You and Tia were fighting. I came and picked you up. We talked in my car until the sun came up til it rose high overhead.

You said you loved me. You said you wished I were the one carrying your babies.

I told you I would be just as bad or worse than Tia if I were pregnant.

You said so many things you never should have, yet your honesty was one of the many stupid horrible things I loved about you. We were both always too honest.

I always took you back to her after you vented and we laughed about silly things. I tried so hard not to love you.

I was finally getting over you then the Friday the seventeenth of two thousand six came and you told me you were leaving her. You said I was your soulmate.

That day I lied to you. It was the only lie I would ever tell you but I owed it to you and your twins and Tia. "You're not good enough for me." I spit it out ripping my heart apart as I did.

That Monday you died and for three days each year, I grieve. I wonder what would have happened if I had run away with you at any point during those four years. I hate myself for lying to you. I cry because I miss you. I ache because no one else has ever fit with me like you did. No one else has cracked me up in the middle of an argument like you did, no one else calls me at three A.M. telling me has no shoes and is stuck outside in the snow and needs me to pick him up.

No one asks me to do him just this one last favor and get him something to eat because he hasn't eaten in three days because he gave all his money to his kids.

No one else has ever completely accepted all of me the way you did. My ups, my downs, my highs, my lows, you anchored me. You were my light house in the storm.

I miss you. You are a total ass for leaving me. A jerk for never giving up pot so I would marry you. A dick for all the times you had to smoke instead of cuddle. You are the most infuriating wonderful friend and love I've ever had. I hate you. I hate you for being gone.