Ashley Needles

David, I want you to know I am grateful for how everything happened. I never thought I could be so happy! There are days I cry because the joy is overwhelming.  A lot of that is due to you. After you left me I did a lot of inner work. Because I admired your drive and determination to deal with life I went through tons of hypnosis at first just to ease the pain then for success and drive. I also got super into personal development and neuropsychology which helped me gain an understanding of why we didn't work well together and why I was unhappy when we were married.  Turns out I'm an island wave personality one of the hardest to deal with and I apologize for that.  In our relationship you became the over functioning partner and I spiraled into under-functioning afraid to own my power or acknowledge my needs which caused me to get super depressed.  Being an island personality type when I feel someone holding onto me I retreat emotionally and i...

Penny wanted Azure dead. She wanted the millions that bitch would get in the divorce. Azure didn't deserve a dime. Penny had never met Azure but she hated her. Hated the cold hearted prima donna spending the money that belonged to her. Penny had worked her ass off for years to find a man like Dicksin Hooker, a man that deserved her.  Dicksin picked her up in white stretch hummer limos. Dicksin flew her first class every where she wanted to go. Dicksin was a multimillionaire. People thought Azure had helped him get there, but that was a lie. Dicksin told her how Azure just sat on her ass all day while he did all the work. He'd just given Azure credit because he was such a good husband to that bitch.  That bitch was too frigid to give Dicksin blow jobs for all his hard work.  Penny knew how to please men. That's why her johns were much nicer to her than they were to their girlfriends and wives. Those other women didn't deserve the lavish gift she go...

A great peace has washed over me the last few days. It's amazing how being lied about and condemned publicly set me free. For so long fear held me hostage. I expected the world to turn on me and see me the way my persecutor did. I lived in hiding ashamed of my cowardice and convinced of my insignificance. I wanted so badly to just disappear completely. Years went by while I suffered silently knowing that at some point the ticking time bomb was going to go off. Abusive emails twisted and confused the truth, speaking falsehoods with conviction suffocated me. At times, I could barely breathe because of the weight and I would wonder if I was crazy. Tick... tick... tick... went the time bomb day after day and like an Alfred Hitchcock marathon the suspense frayed at my nerves. Finally, the bomb went off. Instead of my life blowing up into a million pieces and losing so many dear and wonderful friendships, the bomb had over time without my awareness transformed into...

In one of my support groups, a woman posted about her ex giving her a guilt trip because the government gave his tax return to her for the back child support he owed.   Lately, as in for the last five years, I've been getting guilt trips because I've been fighting for what's legally mine. Those guilt trips tied my stomach in painful knots. Seeing her post I gave her some advice. The exact advice I've been needing to hear.  "You have to fight for what's yours in this world! There are going to be people telling you "You don't deserve it," trying to make you feel guilty or small, but you can't listen to that or let it get in your head. Hold your head high, because you're fighting for what belongs to you!" Though in that case I wrote, "belongs to your kid," but I adapted it for me. My next piece of advice one I've been giving just myself for several years now is, "When it comes to divorce or relationships the last t...

Anger can be like a beast that traps Beauty in the castle, and it can grow into a monstrous uncontrollable outrage or it can hide in the shadows making snide poisonous remarks often sucking the life of the assassin or it can be like Mcdonald's something you ingest and internalize until it kills you. Those anger tactics are WRONG! What does it mean to honor your anger? Anger occurs when we feel our rights are being violated or we experience hurt or disappointment. The first step in having a loving relationship with your anger and using it to create healthier and more intimate relationships is to acknowledge it to yourself. Admitting to yourself you are angry means you don't get to suppress it and let it become a festering resentment of a person or situation. Next, ask yourself why are you really angry? Is it because your friend was late? Or is it really because you missed your friend and were worried about them? Or is it because you were stressed o...

This was written to one of my private Facebook support groups. I know it's going to bring out a ton of haters but I'm tired of feeling ashamed! During my marriage, my husband liked to flip out and break things. One day he threw our dog. After that, I told him I would never have kids with him. He went super ultra ballistic and broke nearly every piece of furniture in the house. At the time we were living in Costa Rica and I only knew one person who spoke English, a guy, he'd been teaching me Spanish. I went to his house to deliver a chair for him. He used his house as a school where he taught ch ildren English. I needed to get away from my husband and just clear my head. It started to rain as I drove down the mountain. I was crying and barely able to see straight. By the time I got to the guy's house, I was shaking. He opened the door and I said, "I'm leaving my husband." The guy pulled me into his arms and started kissing me. I trie...

I really don't want to write this blog. I want to move on with my life with my head in the sand and stop feeling like this is my problem to deal with. I actually want David to be sane and successful so I can get a giant check for alimony each month and all the back spousal support he owes. Unfortunately, he's still not stable or cured or helped, at least not as of March 3, 2018, which was four days ago as I write this. Of course, you don't have to take my word for it, this is an excerpt from the email he sent. Here is a close up of what he wrote: For those with eyesight impairment, the text has been copied and pasted to the bottom of the blog after the ads So telling someone "the world is going to be destroyed" and lose "The Great Tribulation" if that person doesn't do what you say and that it is all your fault is, well, not just crazy but abusive. I have to say though it does make for an interesting threat... I mean ho...

This morning I woke up with some ab definition and tone, excited I promptly blasted some music and began working out. After an hour of intense cardio, I went back to the mirror. I hadn't eaten anything but all definition had disappeared and my stomach looked like I'd just finished eating Thanksgiving dinner. What the hell? I wanted to scream but was too busy burping. Yes, that's right burping. Gross right? The sodium bloat. The body pumping adrenaline and cortisol into my abs and organs causing water retention and digestive "issues" aka burping. This should go away in a couple weeks but how long before my abs go back to looking cut and not pregnant? For me, this stage lasts longer than most people. Most people get away with a two week adjustment period, me, however, it lasts usually about two months. Because of things that happened in a certain relationship let's just say this bloating phase made me afraid of exercising. When someone is counti...

I have an addiction to emotionally distant men. I won't go into the childhood conditioning that created this conundrum, but the symptoms are extreme highs and angry lows with bouts of insanity.  At first emotional withdrawal makes me try harder, fall faster. Then when the bids for attention and effort go unreciprocated, excessive anger and resentment surface. I try to control it but the harder I try the more insane I feel. Eventually, I find myself, the most loathsome of creatures and end things because the self-hatred I come to feel is unendurable. Relationships are supposed to be happy things, make life better. For me though that only happens when there is a perfect balance of emotional distancing and intimacy. Too much intimacy and I pull away. Inside I have a switch that turns off my emotions when my partner is too intense, clingy, or emotional. I also have an insane button that gets pressed when my partner is too distant or unemotional. The perfect balance has on rare...

The dog, I have to walk her eventually. Then, then, I can get in a taxi and just leave, but Dicksin still has my passport. If I tell the front desk will they help me? No, no one will believe me. Dicksin will make up some story about me being crazy. I'll look insane. I am insane. This can't be real. I must be dreaming. No having a nightmare. I shut my eyes hoping everything will change. Dicksin claps his hands in front of my face again. "Wake up!" I'm still in the hotel room. Two days now without sleep. How is he still going? The little white pills. My head spins. "This won't work unless you want it to." He says caressing my face. I look at the cards on the floor. The places I'm supposed to step to become the wife he wants. Sheryll Crow's voice rings in my thoughts, "If it makes you happy, it can't be that ba-a-ad." I want Dicksin to be happy. I've been a terrible wife. Not thin enough for him, not affectionate en...

Your plans lay shattered in a million pieces. You're walking around with a gaping hole smashed in your chest from the words that ripped out your heart. You can barely breathe.  I remember those first three months vividly. I'd failed my marriage, my husband and myself. My dreams of being a perfect wife, of having the best marriage ever, all went perfectly to hell. Despite how many times I'd fantasized about leaving my husband and how awful my marriage was every inch of my body felt flayed, bruised and every bone broken.  Each nerve ending cried with a desperate need to be touched and held. Any vague reminder of my marriage, my spouse, was like getting kicked in the gut by a Clydesdale.  Three years later I look back and know it was all worth it, every excruciating moment.  The living torment led me to paths I never would have otherwise taken.  Desperate to escape the thoughts torturing my mind I delved into sleep hypnosis, audiobooks on relationships, communica...