David,
I want you to know I am grateful for how everything happened. I never thought I could be so happy! There are days I cry because the joy is overwhelming. A lot of that is due to you. After you left me I did a lot of inner work. Because I admired your drive and determination to deal with life I went through tons of hypnosis at first just to ease the pain then for success and drive. I also got super into personal development and neuropsychology which helped me gain an understanding of why we didn't work well together and why I was unhappy when we were married.
Turns out I'm an island wave personality one of the hardest to deal with and I apologize for that. In our relationship you became the over functioning partner and I spiraled into under-functioning afraid to own my power or acknowledge my needs which caused me to get super depressed. Being an island personality type when I feel someone holding onto me I retreat emotionally and it wasn't until you emotionally exited the relationship my own feelings of love were allowed to surface. When you held on because I withdrew I felt smothered. That's not your fault. You just enjoy a lot of emotional intimacy and I wasn't very good at that.
*The terms island and wave are from the book Your Brain on Love: The Neuropsychology of Healthy Relationships by Stan Tatkin MFT. Ph.D. M.D. etc. It's an incredible book I highly recommend it.
The other books that changed my relationship style and helped me learn to communicate in a non-defensive manner were The Dance of Anger by Harriet Joy Lerner PhD. and Communication Miracles for Couples by Jonathan Robinson Psy. T.
I'm currently going through Wired For Dating another book by Stan Tatkin and continue to learn cool new things.
I wish I'd been the partner you deserved and understood myself better then. While I think you're right that we still wouldn't have worked out because we were meant to continue on separate journeys I feel bad for all the pain I caused you. Anyway, that's why I can't read your book yet. Maybe when I feel as though I have made up for my mistakes with you with a new partner I will be able to enjoy the creativity and entertainment you are so good at providing in your writing. Until then though I will continue on my journey of becoming and evolving into someone as capable as you were during our marriage.
I never made it clear how much I admired your drive, hard work, and persistence... I even partly resented it because it made me feel bad that I lacked your motivation and determination, and I'm so sorry for that. The more capable you were the less capable I felt. I tried not to feel that way I tried to bury it and that was a mistake.
Anyway your cheating and leaving caused me to face up to everything, own it, and in turn, begin overcoming all the things I'd hidden from my entire life.
Thanks to you I will someday be a much better partner for someone else and I'm sorry it took you leaving for me to become who I am but I'm so grateful you did. Thank you for the lesson.
One thing I'd like to share with you that I've discovered for myself to be true is a quote from President Hinkley, "The sorrow we endure righteously increases our capacity for joy."
Sorrow is a river, it can flow through us and carve a deep canyon of joy or we can create a dam of bitterness and hold it in resenting what and who comes our way drowning ourselves and wreaking havoc on the environment around us.
I hope someday the pain I caused you will be released and you will be happy again.
Wishing you well,
Ashley
Hey Ash!
ReplyDeleteI must admit, I've barely ever popped on your blog for the last 7 years or whatever it has been, but for the last year or whatever I think this is my 3rd time. For whatever reason, I've been wondering how you're doing and this time, I popped on, and saw myself - so of course, I am commenting!
Thanks for the note, and I hope you are doing well. Some of the best years of my life were spent with you and I don't hold any regrets. Sometimes, I still think you blame me somewhat, but less than before. For example, mentioning my cheating, without talking much about what you did first I think is imbalanced. I was very, very, very loyal to you until one day I popped on your computer and found photos with you and that guy in your hometown, and like 10 conversations with different guys in Utah you were meeting up with when we were fighting and you left the house and your computer was left wide open (remember- that was the time I discovered your 'top secret' email address). This is not even talking about the Spanish teacher in Portalon, or leaving me alone in Costa Rica for months at a time without even responding to my Facebook messages in Utah.
My point is, you were not innocent in that marriage and had I not felt totally violated, I would never have cheated as I was very loyal to you for a very long time, and never planned on changing it.
I thank you for the letter. You did a lot for me too. I think about you from time to time, and sometimes more than others, as I often wonder if you are happy or not, and sometimes I think the best thing for us would have been to work things out no matter what happened.
Today, I was hanging out with a girlfriend of mine who I've known for 9 years. She was the first person I had sex with outside of our marriage - you don't know her (not Priscilla). For all of these years, this girl has been one of my best friends I ever had. Probably, you would actually get along with her quite well. I'll keep her private for now, as she is a very good friend.
Today, we met up and I told her that story as to how I met her, and it got me thinking of you, and I hope you don't get offended as it is what it is--- our marriage had grown cold, you (as far as I could tell) had already had multiple other flings, although I have no idea what actually happened unless you would just admit it - all I know is what I saw on your computer (which was not good) and the thing with the Spanish teacher. We were broken, we were making lots of money, having no sex, and at the time you were talking a lot about our problems to other people --- like the cook in the house (cannot remember her name).
One day after months of having no sex or very little sex, or bad sex, you were talking to the chef in the house about my penis not working (something which I had asked you to not bring up) which truthfully, my penis wasn't working because our sex was bad, and I couldn't tell you the truth about it because I was afraid of your response - but you kept telling people and I kept asking you to just talk to me or let's go get help.
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ReplyDeleteEventually, you said that to Paige I think was her name, and one night, I just flipped, so I drove out to San Jose and met this other girl (my friend I mentioned) and we banged for like 4 hours that night---I noticed that my penis worked just fine at that moment.
So that's what was going on --- mutual dissatisfaction, mutual cheating and disloyalty --- on my end that disloyalty did not exist at all until very late 2011, and that was after I discovered disloyalty from you, in your own words, and from your own photos. It would be more balanced if you mentioned this. What you did and how you did it, and who you did it with is your business.
What I did was a wrong response, no matter what you did. Once I went out, and had sex with some other girls, I realized how much I liked good sex, and became more and more uninhibited as our marriage grew more and more cold. Eventually, I met Priscilla and fell in love with her and we had Gabriel together.
Though looking back, there was a lot you and I had together, and there was a lot that I loved. You were always one of my best friends I ever had and one of the things that has hurt me the most over these years is that you've never even called to say hello. I never thought in 1 million years that we wouldn't always be best friends after we broke up.
Actually, when we broke up, I think I've told you this --- I basically just assumed that you hated my guts at that point. I only saw some semblance that you loved me when I was telling you in the house in Portalon (after you had been living alone away from me for like 6 months) that we needed to divorce, and you went ballistic on me throwing pillows at the wall---in other words, at that point, I basically thought you hated my guts, and were banging guy after guy after guy in California. At that point I was numb, and wasn't mad about it, it just was what it was.
When I saw you sad, and angry, and hurt, I saw that you had actually loved me during that time. You gotta keep in mind, I had no way of knowing that either. You were in California. We barely ever talked. When you left to California, you looked happy. I only saw how you were doing through Facebook posts. In the meantime, I had someone else who was giving me love, making love to me, cooking me dinner, treating me like royalty.
I fell in love with someone else. You vanished. I'm not blaming you, I just want to speak to the reality of what happened, and what can happen to anyone. Really, you were there during some of the most special times of my life. You gave me things that nobody else has ever given me, and I am thankful. You believed in me when there was no reason to and because of that belief in me, I was able to succeed for the first time ever.
Right now, as a contrast - I really have nobody who believes in me like that. It has been in some manner very hurtful as without that, I feel disjointed and disconnected from what I want to do. That was a gift from you because you have great faith.
Really from an honest level, you would have been a much better partner in Empower Network than David Sharpe as in the end, David Sharpe destroyed me and did not even blink about it as his loyalty was to money only. In many ways, being with you was the best blessing ever and I am very thankful for it.
3 years ago was the last time I really saw my Son, and held him in my arms. My life was in some manner thrown into chaos, trying to love a woman who cannot be loved, and cannot receive love. I have learned a lot from all of it, and am thankful for the blessings I received from you.
My point in all of this, is that there is mutual things that we did right, and that we did wrong. My only real sadness from it is (for example) that this girl that you do not know is still one of my best friends, and you are not.
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Years later, this is going back to 2011, the very first girl I made love to outside of our marriage---she is still one of my best friends, and we talk all the time and help each other, and for whatever reason, you and I do not talk. Yes, we chitchat here and there in email or whatever, but we are not really close anymore and to me, that is the great loss, as I have always wanted to be your friend and I hope you know that no matter what happens, I desire to be a blessing to you.
ReplyDeleteYou are a great woman, Ash, and I will always think the world of you and will always be your friend. Know that.
I am unashamed of admitting things I did wrong. The reason is, is that all of it was an important part of my life, and important parts of my learnings. So I just say "yeah, I had sex with this girl, and that. These girls, they were close to me when you were not. Some of them, they are still my best friends that there are. Some maybe not."
It's liberating to just be able to admit what is true. I will say that.
You were a good woman. You believed in me. You really in your heart were not loyal to me. Not a big deal to me, but there is nothing in life that either of us are victims of, I will say that.
I always want to be your friend. At some point, I will be a lot more influential than before. Perhaps not for a while. This is a little bit of a rant, inspired by hanging out earlier today with the first lover that I had during our marriage, who you don't know and as I was talking to her, I was thinking of you, and wondering how you are doing, so came and checked your blog out. Good stuff and thanks.
Love ya,
Dave