In one of my support groups, a woman posted about her ex giving her a guilt trip because the government gave his tax return to her for the back child support he owed.
Lately, as in for the last five years, I've been getting guilt trips because I've been fighting for what's legally mine. Those guilt trips tied my stomach in painful knots.
Seeing her post I gave her some advice. The exact advice I've been needing to hear.
"You have to fight for what's yours in this world! There are going to be people telling you "You don't deserve it," trying to make you feel guilty or small, but you can't listen to that or let it get in your head. Hold your head high, because you're fighting for what belongs to you!" Though in that case I wrote, "belongs to your kid," but I adapted it for me.
My next piece of advice one I've been giving just myself for several years now is, "When it comes to divorce or relationships the last thing anyone needs is petty name calling."
The last two years I've been working incredibly hard to divorce my spouse with love and grace. At times this hasn't been easy. At times I've lost my cool, and the sentiment has seldom been returned.
When I was reading one of my response emails to a friend she said, "I think you're apologizing too much."
I told her, "It's true I've given him every apology I feel I've ever owed him but that doesn't matter. What matters is he is still angry and he hasn't recovered, the apologies are for his wellbeing." I've been trying to put his needs first and put myself in his shoes. It hasn't been easy, but I always get a sense of peace after and I have an inner pride because I act with love.
Acting with love doesn't mean I don't get angry or don't assert my boundaries. In fact, it's rather the opposite. More than ever I've been able to speak with power and do it in a way that makes me feel good.
The greatest lesson I've learned from all this is that it doesn't matter what anyone else says or does, I am still responsible for the way in which I deal with it.
I'm not perfect and more often than not I word things in ways that give unintended meanings and so people have lashed out at me for my mistakes. There are times when I don't deserve their verbal whippings, but I submit to their anger anyway and apologize for misspeaking.
Recently one of my friends overreacted to something I did. He swore at me, hung up and then sent a condescending text.
For a while, I wondered if the friendship was good for me or not. After a few days of thinking about it and giving him space to calm down, I called him. "I'm sorry I was dismissive of your feelings I didn't mean to be but that is no excuse for verbal abuse, hanging up on me and then sending a mean text."
He apologized for overreacting and said he would try to do better then we had a great conversation.
While I can't control the vitriol of others I can let them know it bothers me and discover if the person cares enough about how name calling and swearing at me affects my emotional wellbeing to try and change or not.
I've learned some people are incapable of seeing that there is anything at all wrong with their behavior. I, sadly for a long time, was one of those people. I didn't lash out so much as couldn't admit my mistakes or that I was wrong.
I had a very big misconception about life. I believed I had to be perfect in order to be loved. It was the worst lie I ever chained myself with.
Since allowing myself to admit my mistakes, my fears, my faults, my deficits and weaknesses I've found a wellspring of love in my life and for my life.
I have a passion for my writing, for helping others gain the same insights that have so altered the way in which I see the world and an ongoing desire to practice and get better at speaking and acting with love in all my relationships.
I hope you reading this will also learn to love yourself in all your imperfections.
Lately, as in for the last five years, I've been getting guilt trips because I've been fighting for what's legally mine. Those guilt trips tied my stomach in painful knots.
Seeing her post I gave her some advice. The exact advice I've been needing to hear.
"You have to fight for what's yours in this world! There are going to be people telling you "You don't deserve it," trying to make you feel guilty or small, but you can't listen to that or let it get in your head. Hold your head high, because you're fighting for what belongs to you!" Though in that case I wrote, "belongs to your kid," but I adapted it for me.
My next piece of advice one I've been giving just myself for several years now is, "When it comes to divorce or relationships the last thing anyone needs is petty name calling."
The last two years I've been working incredibly hard to divorce my spouse with love and grace. At times this hasn't been easy. At times I've lost my cool, and the sentiment has seldom been returned.
When I was reading one of my response emails to a friend she said, "I think you're apologizing too much."
I told her, "It's true I've given him every apology I feel I've ever owed him but that doesn't matter. What matters is he is still angry and he hasn't recovered, the apologies are for his wellbeing." I've been trying to put his needs first and put myself in his shoes. It hasn't been easy, but I always get a sense of peace after and I have an inner pride because I act with love.
Acting with love doesn't mean I don't get angry or don't assert my boundaries. In fact, it's rather the opposite. More than ever I've been able to speak with power and do it in a way that makes me feel good.
The greatest lesson I've learned from all this is that it doesn't matter what anyone else says or does, I am still responsible for the way in which I deal with it.
I'm not perfect and more often than not I word things in ways that give unintended meanings and so people have lashed out at me for my mistakes. There are times when I don't deserve their verbal whippings, but I submit to their anger anyway and apologize for misspeaking.
Recently one of my friends overreacted to something I did. He swore at me, hung up and then sent a condescending text.
For a while, I wondered if the friendship was good for me or not. After a few days of thinking about it and giving him space to calm down, I called him. "I'm sorry I was dismissive of your feelings I didn't mean to be but that is no excuse for verbal abuse, hanging up on me and then sending a mean text."
He apologized for overreacting and said he would try to do better then we had a great conversation.
While I can't control the vitriol of others I can let them know it bothers me and discover if the person cares enough about how name calling and swearing at me affects my emotional wellbeing to try and change or not.
I've learned some people are incapable of seeing that there is anything at all wrong with their behavior. I, sadly for a long time, was one of those people. I didn't lash out so much as couldn't admit my mistakes or that I was wrong.
I had a very big misconception about life. I believed I had to be perfect in order to be loved. It was the worst lie I ever chained myself with.
Since allowing myself to admit my mistakes, my fears, my faults, my deficits and weaknesses I've found a wellspring of love in my life and for my life.
I have a passion for my writing, for helping others gain the same insights that have so altered the way in which I see the world and an ongoing desire to practice and get better at speaking and acting with love in all my relationships.
I hope you reading this will also learn to love yourself in all your imperfections.
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