Dealing With A Toxic Person

I went on a date with a total jerk, then accidentally went out with his brother. Liking his brother I tried to make peace with Toxic after he invited me to his band's performance. 

Unfortunately, instead, I got another lesson in toxic masculinity. 

Do you know how to tell if you are dealing with a toxic person? 

In the following text messages, you will see me dealing with a toxic misogynist. His name has been redacted along with location details. 

So far all is going okay other than yes I am being "weird" as I try to make a peace offering, which I guess isn't typical behavior these days.

Even the most toxic individuals can seem decent upon initial contact. This is our first contact after quite some time.

Here, when he tries to invade my or his brother's privacy I start putting up a wall. Abusers hate boundaries and will belittle you or make you feel crazy for having personal space.

Again I tried to make peace by offering a small give.

Now I get in this modern world of phones and technology asking for pics is a normal thing... but, it isn't my thing. Also, I have no idea what his intentions are but I clarify my own. In the following, you will see how abusers have issues with their victim having a separate identity from the one they want to assign.  

He again belittles me, telling me I'm stuck on myself. At this point, I'm done with the conversation despite having gotten along with his brother. However, I continue trying to make peace because I hate conflict. 

His use of insuperior vs inferior did make me feel quite superior in vocabulary but he can play guitar better than I can, and I'm sure there are other things he's great at. 

At this point, I've turned off his significance in my life and start laughing at his futile attempts to bring me down. I also attempt to help him because I like myself and therefore have no issue helping even toxic men. 

He writes I think he is being romantic. I never said a word about his intentions only clarified my own. His insecurity is what caused him to lash out at. He then tells me to go annoy his brother. The guy I sort of liked but now admire so much more because he didn't turn out like Toxic despite growing up in the same house.

This retreat is a deflection. He's realized he can't anger or get to me and so instead of coming to grips with reality, he retreats with an insult.

Then realizing I am okay with no longer talking his fear of abandonment causes him to further engage. 

I clarify to him I didn't know his intention and have no responsibility for him taking offense and assuming I did. Again I set a boundary letting him know his toxic communication is not welcome. 

It is important to set boundaries and to let others know when those boundaries are being violated and how you feel about the violation.

I would have stopped talking gladly after getting the information about his show because all I wanted was just enough contact to make peace and move on.

Here,  he starts what is called gaslighting. This is when abusers try to make their victim feel like they are the ones who are crazy or abusive:

He tells me I'm controlling when I have a right to refuse giving my picture to anyone I don't have a modeling contract with. That isn't being controlling. It is asserting individual rights. If it were sex and he was saying, "You have to give me sex," it would be rape. This is one of the characteristics that defines an abuser, a sense of entitlement to another's life, body, or even just stuff.

Abusers will always try to make you feel like you are the crazy one when they are the ones invading your space and taking what you don't want to give, be it information your not comfortable sharing, photos, or physical intimacy. 

Lesson

Allow yourself to deny any request you don't feel comfortable with and you will quickly see if the person you are dating is abusive or not.

For avoiding abusive relationships check out

  

For how to have better relationships communicate effectively and resolve conflict with grace check out:

  

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