Feelings of Not enough

This makes me bonkers more than anything else a person can do. This leads to me ending relationships because I can't handle it. Of course, I have to admit I've done this too but only when the person was violent or threatening.

In 2018 I cared about too many people who just didn't or couldn't show they cared back. It was so hard on my heart, it still is. Daily I ask myself why I'm still trying with these people. 

I know eventually, I have to end things for my own sanity but I keep hoping for a miracle.  

I keep wondering why they push me away, what I've done wrong... I keep wondering why I'm not enough. If it were just one person it wouldn't matter but it isn't. It's several. 

One of which... I made a huge sacrifice for but that person can never know about it because the fallout would be massive in his life. 

So I keep my silence. I keep trying... at least for now. Soon though I'll stop trying and block all contact. 

I know there are people in the world who value me and who can accept the love I have to give and return it easily. 

M comes to mind but,

For a while, M and I went through a rough patch where he didn't speak to me for an entire year.  Things haven't been the same since. 

This kind of pain... it's so hard to trust again afterward. It's so hard to let down the walls. 

I'm trying to stay upbeat, but it hasn't been easy. With the new year, I've decided to take a few months and try out a different location, try out a different life and see if the problem follows me. 

I've only ever twice before had this problem, where I wasn't enough for it seemed everyone in my life. 

The first time was because as a child I was sexually abused by a handful of people. While the struggle was mostly internal, it left me incredibly vulnerable to feelings of not being enough for others. 

The second time started when I was in sixth grade, my parents were divorcing and every friend I had abandoned me. I made new friends but it took time and despite how sweet my new friends were I never felt quite as close to them. 

Because of what I went through I'm someone who tries too hard and is far too hard on myself. I know I'm a bit boring because I try to do everything right and so it makes me less fun and far too serious, despite working on loosening up over the years.

As a child, I believed the reason bad things were happening to me was because I wasn't real. The original tale of the little mermaid how she didn't have a soul and had to kill herself at the end was kind of how I saw myself and the world. It led to my first suicide attempt.

After an LDS general conference where the "prophet" talked about how it was better to have a millstone hung about one's neck and be dropped in the deepest ocean than to hurt a little child I believed if people would be punished for hurting me then I should spare them the temptation and die. I was four. 

Faced with the feelings of "Not Enough" as an adult for the first time... I again feel like I did as the child who tied bags of stones to her body and planned to drown in the nearby pond. 

Every insecurity that was once laid to rest has resurfaced. 

I know this is happening because there is something more to learn and it will make me grow in some way. 

The first time all those feelings went away was when I decided at sixteen that even if I wasn't enough for anyone else I would always be enough for me. 
That one decision changed everything. Now though I'm coming upon a new crossroads, a new decision until I figure out the lesson though I won't know what it is. 
In the meantime... I'm trying to distract myself. I'm trying to hold on to a vision and goal for my future. 

A vision of being loved and loving without reservation. 

I'm not sure if that exists... but I hope so. 
While I hope though I will continue as I always have, trying my best to improve and become better so by the time I meet that someone who will love me completely without running away I will be a lighthouse in the storm for that person as well. 

Below are links to one of the authors that helps me overcome fear and doubt and reminds me I am always enough! I'm about to start going through her audiobooks again. Click the links if you want to join me on the journey of self-healing!

A Parent's Nightmare

It was supposed to be an ordinary day, but a feeling something was going to go horribly wrong kept me awake the night before. I waited six months, because the first time they mentioned the routine procedure and the risks I knew my daughter was going to end up dead, or brain damaged. I thought I'd waited long enough. After six months I believed things would be ok. I told myself to relax and stop being paranoid. I shouldn't have. The anesthesiologist with tears in his eyes told me, "I'm not going to lie, she's not doing good. This is the worst day of my career." He was thinking of his career while my little girl was fighting for her life!? He felt bad so I said simply, "I know you tried your best," wondering if my happy sweet little girl would ever smile at me again. There was no point in making a scene. It wouldn't save her. It might kill her. I had to step back and breathe. I needed to focus on giving her all the love a

A Girl Can Dream, Right?

Preparing for the cruise, a whirlwind of excitement and anticipation courses through my veins. Amidst sapphire waves and ocean skies, I'm eager to meet with my teammates, especially one sexy beast I've been mentoring late at night, a little too often. A single man secure enough in his masculinity to be sponsored by a woman he'd never met, it was more likely I'd win the lottery but it happened! Men that secure, are as rare as a million dollars popping out of thin air! Finding one man who would just listen to my dream let alone believe in it and share it, up until him has been impossible... yeah I'm ready to go past first base and then some! As I finish packing, I can't help but indulge in a few tantalizing semi erotic fantasies. From our first conversation, strategizing his path to success, I was completely intoxicated by him. After months of working together, I'm still feeling an undeniable connection that has nothing to do with business. His confidence

Dreaming of Death

I dreamed I died, my usable organs were donated, and the rest of me was fed to the birds. I requested before I died, those who received my organs would gather once a year to celebrate my daughter's birthday. I dreamed pieces of my flesh were sent out to wildlife sanctuaries around the world. I dreamed each year, I could see my daughter with my eyes and she could feel my love surrounding her. I dreamed I soared with eagles, dove into the sea with the ospreys, and traveled the world in ecstasy. Gradually, I felt myself fading away into the darkness. My daughter's birthday came again. I lived in her smile and warmth. Like a brilliant sun, she brought life back to the surface. My essence swirled around her, through her. She became my home. I lived in her joy, in her peace I rested. Trees grew from the soil marked with remnants of my flesh, I felt the sun on their leaves, and I felt the cool rich soil bathing their roots. I felt myself in rivers flowing free and wild, splashing

Ashley Needles

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