Flawed

"Sometimes I want to cry because of the terrible beauty of the world. So stark and poignant, when I dare to look, my heart begs me to close my eyes and my mind forces amazement into mundane."   

-Ashley's journal

When I'm sad, like a wounded animal I shy away from others and only let Sam, M, my mom, the occasional girlfriend I've been hanging out with and the guy I'm dating close.

Hurting reined in and broken.

Strong noble friends surround me.

I seek fire and closeness with one.

Until it becomes too much and I am again alone.

As a single teen, I would medicate sorrow and depression with dating. As a single adult, there's too much pressure, crazies and ghosts of bad experiences for it to be an effective therapy.

I have so many wonderful online friends who are willing and wanting me to talk their ears off, and I wish I could let down my walls and trust that who I am won't be a disappointment compared to the expectations of me, but...

Online I'm able to think through each word, post only the best thoughts and comments. I can sensor coming off condescending and all the other defensive mechanisms I'm ashamed of.

I often feel unworthy of the admiration, love, and respect I've been given over the years of being online.

I try so hard to be what others deserve of me but I can never measure up and so I tend to avoid and run away until someone confronts me.

(Thanks D.B. for calling me out recently.)

I've needed to confront this for a long time.

So many of my online relationships want more emotional intimacy than I'm capable of.

People want phone calls and to talk...

Or just private messages...

It isn't that I'm too busy... though sometimes I am... and sometimes something will happen that creates an onslaught into my inbox that is impossible to handle...

I feel torn by all the people wanting my attention and instead of giving what I can... I shut down in fear because I lack so many social skills and because I have things I'm dealing with I can't share publicly and worse because I'm afraid if I try to get back to people I will let down someone who really needs me and so I'd rather no one depend on me.

No matter how hard I try... it's never going to be good enough because it will never be equal to the goodness I've been given.

The other day I was driving and thinking about money. I was thinking about how people trade precious hours for a few dollars and how sad it is that so many people are suffering in poverty... and then I looked up from the road.

Trees laughed at the sun, clouds painted the sky, I crossed a bridge going over a wide river sparkling with gemstones of light.

I thought, "No matter how hard I work, no matter how hard I try I will never be able to do enough to deserve all this."

My prior thoughts washed away in a flood of gratitude that every single person no matter how poor can see a sunset or if blind feel a breeze.

Life is a wondrous miracle, the greatest of all miracles. It holds every dazzling joy. It is a spectacular phenomenon happening all around us and we forget how incomprehensibly precious it all is.

At times I'm awed at the amount we're able to take for granted.

Lately, I've been so caught up in private frustrations, like how a certain person went driving after fourteen tequila shots and got himself and his friend in an accident. With his friend's bone sticking out he refused to go to the hospital where they have machines to check for internal bleeding, brain swelling and are trained to stop the onset of gangrene.

I felt forced to call the police.

It happened the same day my purse was stolen and I'd called the police to report my license being taken.

It made me feel like a drama queen to call the police twice in one day. It didn't help that the person who nearly killed himself and his friend ranted and raved at me through texts for trying to save them both.

I don't know how I constantly draw in delusional and addicted men... but I certainly have a skill for it.

Luckily I'm finally able to recognize the behaviors and walk away in time.

But meanwhile, I forget the stupefying majesty of just being alive and lose energy for keeping up with friends who are healthy enough not to need me.

My energy for socializing sucked dry by guys I go on one date with who end up reminding me too much of a certain ex, a large part of me wants to stop dating entirely.

I don't stop though because as a child I had exactly three desires in life. Superpowers, a mystical beast for a pet, and a lifemate who would stand beside me to fight back the stretching shadows of trauma.

While the first two seem completely impossible I've found satisfaction in being an online influence and Messy, she's my unicorn disguised as a dog. As for the last... in my teen years, it seemed the most attainable. I was blessed to date great men who gave me high hopes for the future. Unfortunately, the dating world gradually darkened.

I was naive and thought love and goodness conquered all and that I could make a marriage work with anyone if I just did my best to be a good person and love my significant other.

I'd lost the expectation of finding a magical Mr. Right and felt pressured by my now ex-religion to make a match.

I married someone I barely knew because he was willing to marry me. Some of you know I was so out of it I barely remember dating him, but I don't want to go into all that right now. It's in other blogs for those of you who are curious.

I thought then love was a choice. I still do, but now I know:

The choice to love is a seed that requires watering of reciprocated kindness, consideration, and respect to grow into ambrosia. 

Many of my online relationships teach me lessons in love daily. Jon Blystone for one. For years he sent me daily positive quotes placed on beautiful pictures without a response. I ignored his efforts never bothering to click on his messages. Until one day I needed to feel a whisper of connection with someone. It was a hard day for me and his message popped up. I clicked it this time and what he'd sent were the exact words I needed.

His selfless giving without any thought of return is something I oft admire.

I wish I were more like Jon, and many others whom I've come to know over the net. I wish I felt confident enough and were outgoing enough to allow these people who have become my heroes into more of my life...

But for now, I'm still building towards that one day at a time.

Thank you for reading and being a huge influence for good in the world!

Being silly with an app  ;)