Not sure what to title this doozy....

 I was assaulted at 12:46 this morning. I had to claw a guy's face I'd just met because he grabbed me and tried to force me to kiss him. I made a facebook post about it... this is in response to some of the comments. 
It was going to be a facebook post but it got long and growly so copy paste and blog Ta-da!
After it happened I called M, he listened while I cried and ranted. I'm talked out now... but thank you to those that offered to listen you're awesome! I will be better after some sleep. 

I'm blessed that so many of you want to be there for me and I know that me not letting you be there hurts our friendship. 

It's instinct to turn to M. He's been my rock through so much so many will never understand. 

He's the one who knows what to say and do to make everything better... sometimes just hearing his voice is all I need. 

I can't talk about so much with all of you... for my safety I've had to be private about certain details. 

A lot of people are offended by that, and I feel bad I've hurt so many wonderful people's feelings...

But I'm hopeful that someday I might be able to share everything.

Since you've known me, I've kept a lot private. Things about my marriage, I sugar-coated and sidestepped and did my best to be a good wife and protect my marriage and husband even to detriment of my well being and sanity. 

After my marriage imploded, some of you saw a snippet of what I'd been living with. 

You didn't see any of the death threats from strangers, you weren't there for the phone calls at all hours some times forty or fifty a night while I was in Cali. 

And there's so much more you don't know.

I'm scared to let you in. 

I'm scared one of you is one of them... 

So no I don't give details about my life, at least not current details. 

I was so glad when I could finally blog about Angie's abduction and finally let you know everything going on with that... 

But there are still things I can't share. Even three years after my marriage ended... somehow someone got my number calling to let me know the requirements I had to meet so that person didn't kill me. 

So yes I am withdrawn and cold and I don't speak privately very often and I am so tired of justifying all this and hiding what's really gone on and why I am the way I am with all of you. 
I know most of you are amazing but I'm scared to trust... because of what a few crazies did. 
I'm a terrible friend. 
I don't deserve the kindness you've given and I'm sorry... 
Yes, I keep everyone I know through Empower and online at arm's length despite how much you've all loved and supported me over the years. 

I hate that I can't handle the intimacy and I hate that I'm scared because of threats made that will probably never amount to anything... 
Anyway, I hope you reading this are doing well and know I hate keeping you at a distance. 

 

A Parent's Nightmare

It was supposed to be an ordinary day, but a feeling something was going to go horribly wrong kept me awake the night before. I waited six months, because the first time they mentioned the routine procedure and the risks I knew my daughter was going to end up dead, or brain damaged. I thought I'd waited long enough. After six months I believed things would be ok. I told myself to relax and stop being paranoid. I shouldn't have. The anesthesiologist with tears in his eyes told me, "I'm not going to lie, she's not doing good. This is the worst day of my career." He was thinking of his career while my little girl was fighting for her life!? He felt bad so I said simply, "I know you tried your best," wondering if my happy sweet little girl would ever smile at me again. There was no point in making a scene. It wouldn't save her. It might kill her. I had to step back and breathe. I needed to focus on giving her all the love a

A Girl Can Dream, Right?

Preparing for the cruise, a whirlwind of excitement and anticipation courses through my veins. Amidst sapphire waves and ocean skies, I'm eager to meet with my teammates, especially one sexy beast I've been mentoring late at night, a little too often. A single man secure enough in his masculinity to be sponsored by a woman he'd never met, it was more likely I'd win the lottery but it happened! Men that secure, are as rare as a million dollars popping out of thin air! Finding one man who would just listen to my dream let alone believe in it and share it, up until him has been impossible... yeah I'm ready to go past first base and then some! As I finish packing, I can't help but indulge in a few tantalizing semi erotic fantasies. From our first conversation, strategizing his path to success, I was completely intoxicated by him. After months of working together, I'm still feeling an undeniable connection that has nothing to do with business. His confidence

Dreaming of Death

I dreamed I died, my usable organs were donated, and the rest of me was fed to the birds. I requested before I died, those who received my organs would gather once a year to celebrate my daughter's birthday. I dreamed pieces of my flesh were sent out to wildlife sanctuaries around the world. I dreamed each year, I could see my daughter with my eyes and she could feel my love surrounding her. I dreamed I soared with eagles, dove into the sea with the ospreys, and traveled the world in ecstasy. Gradually, I felt myself fading away into the darkness. My daughter's birthday came again. I lived in her smile and warmth. Like a brilliant sun, she brought life back to the surface. My essence swirled around her, through her. She became my home. I lived in her joy, in her peace I rested. Trees grew from the soil marked with remnants of my flesh, I felt the sun on their leaves, and I felt the cool rich soil bathing their roots. I felt myself in rivers flowing free and wild, splashing

Ashley Needles

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