Not sure what to title this doozy....

 I was assaulted at 12:46 this morning. I had to claw a guy's face I'd just met because he grabbed me and tried to force me to kiss him. I made a facebook post about it... this is in response to some of the comments. 
It was going to be a facebook post but it got long and growly so copy paste and blog Ta-da!
After it happened I called M, he listened while I cried and ranted. I'm talked out now... but thank you to those that offered to listen you're awesome! I will be better after some sleep. 

I'm blessed that so many of you want to be there for me and I know that me not letting you be there hurts our friendship. 

It's instinct to turn to M. He's been my rock through so much so many will never understand. 

He's the one who knows what to say and do to make everything better... sometimes just hearing his voice is all I need. 

I can't talk about so much with all of you... for my safety I've had to be private about certain details. 

A lot of people are offended by that, and I feel bad I've hurt so many wonderful people's feelings...

But I'm hopeful that someday I might be able to share everything.

Since you've known me, I've kept a lot private. Things about my marriage, I sugar-coated and sidestepped and did my best to be a good wife and protect my marriage and husband even to detriment of my well being and sanity. 

After my marriage imploded, some of you saw a snippet of what I'd been living with. 

You didn't see any of the death threats from strangers, you weren't there for the phone calls at all hours some times forty or fifty a night while I was in Cali. 

And there's so much more you don't know.

I'm scared to let you in. 

I'm scared one of you is one of them... 

So no I don't give details about my life, at least not current details. 

I was so glad when I could finally blog about Angie's abduction and finally let you know everything going on with that... 

But there are still things I can't share. Even three years after my marriage ended... somehow someone got my number calling to let me know the requirements I had to meet so that person didn't kill me. 

So yes I am withdrawn and cold and I don't speak privately very often and I am so tired of justifying all this and hiding what's really gone on and why I am the way I am with all of you. 
I know most of you are amazing but I'm scared to trust... because of what a few crazies did. 
I'm a terrible friend. 
I don't deserve the kindness you've given and I'm sorry... 
Yes, I keep everyone I know through Empower and online at arm's length despite how much you've all loved and supported me over the years. 

I hate that I can't handle the intimacy and I hate that I'm scared because of threats made that will probably never amount to anything... 
Anyway, I hope you reading this are doing well and know I hate keeping you at a distance. 

 

No Greater Love

In my marriage, I grew cold and distant, I was dark emptiness taking up a small space. When the marriage inevitably ended, I was left wondering if I was capable of love at all. Wondering if my coldness led to the death of something great for many people. Since then I've tried a few tepid attempts at love, with each trial showing me new errors. People say, "You just haven't met the right person yet," but that isn't true. Relationships fail not because there is some mystical magical right person out there for each of us but rather because we are human and being human means failing sometimes. (Of course, just because there is no "right one" that doesn't mean there aren't wrong ones. There are after all a few truly terrible people mucking about in the world but these are the exceptions, not the rule.) I am currently a failure at relationships, but with each failure, I learn and grow, and eventually, I will be a fantastic success at one relati...

One Day at a Time

Growing up in Utah, I had classes broaching subjects like episiotomies, lamaze, and more. Needless to say while I didn't want kids, I had my birth plan ready to the letter all the i's dotted and t's crossed. I planned a relaxed at home delivery with my birth partner in a tub of purified water, dim lights and the sounds of the ocean playing over a pre recorded sound track of my heart beat. I wanted erotic stimulation if labor stalled. I wanted delayed cord clamping and UV lights on the ready with an infant eye mask. With Res out of the picture, some of that obviously went out the window. As my due date came and went, my pre labor continued. Two weeks of contractions starting and stopping. Alone in a hotel room (chosen for its location relative to a hospital with a level five NICU and not for the black mold growing inside the bathroom or drug addicts in the hallways or gun shots down the street) I kept asking myself how I was going to do this. How was I ...

Divorce: A Journey to Total Happiness

Your plans lay shattered in a million pieces. You're walking around with a gaping hole smashed in your chest from the words that ripped out your heart. You can barely breathe. I remember those first three months vividly. I'd failed my marriage, my husband and myself. My dreams of being a perfect wife, of having the best marriage ever, all went perfectly to hell. Despite how many times I'd fantasized about leaving my husband and how awful my marriage was every inch of my body felt flayed, bruised and every bone broken. Each nerve ending cried with a desperate need to be touched and held. Any vague reminder of my marriage, my spouse, was like getting kicked in the gut by a Clydesdale. Three years later I look back and know it was all worth it, every excruciating moment. The living torment led me to paths I never would have otherwise taken. Desperate to escape the thoughts torturing my mind I delved into sleep hypnosis, audiobooks on relationships, communica...

Ashley Needles

Search This Blog