Not sure what to title this doozy....

 I was assaulted at 12:46 this morning. I had to claw a guy's face I'd just met because he grabbed me and tried to force me to kiss him. I made a facebook post about it... this is in response to some of the comments. 
It was going to be a facebook post but it got long and growly so copy paste and blog Ta-da!
After it happened I called M, he listened while I cried and ranted. I'm talked out now... but thank you to those that offered to listen you're awesome! I will be better after some sleep. 

I'm blessed that so many of you want to be there for me and I know that me not letting you be there hurts our friendship. 

It's instinct to turn to M. He's been my rock through so much so many will never understand. 

He's the one who knows what to say and do to make everything better... sometimes just hearing his voice is all I need. 

I can't talk about so much with all of you... for my safety I've had to be private about certain details. 

A lot of people are offended by that, and I feel bad I've hurt so many wonderful people's feelings...

But I'm hopeful that someday I might be able to share everything.

Since you've known me, I've kept a lot private. Things about my marriage, I sugar-coated and sidestepped and did my best to be a good wife and protect my marriage and husband even to detriment of my well being and sanity. 

After my marriage imploded, some of you saw a snippet of what I'd been living with. 

You didn't see any of the death threats from strangers, you weren't there for the phone calls at all hours some times forty or fifty a night while I was in Cali. 

And there's so much more you don't know.

I'm scared to let you in. 

I'm scared one of you is one of them... 

So no I don't give details about my life, at least not current details. 

I was so glad when I could finally blog about Angie's abduction and finally let you know everything going on with that... 

But there are still things I can't share. Even three years after my marriage ended... somehow someone got my number calling to let me know the requirements I had to meet so that person didn't kill me. 

So yes I am withdrawn and cold and I don't speak privately very often and I am so tired of justifying all this and hiding what's really gone on and why I am the way I am with all of you. 
I know most of you are amazing but I'm scared to trust... because of what a few crazies did. 
I'm a terrible friend. 
I don't deserve the kindness you've given and I'm sorry... 
Yes, I keep everyone I know through Empower and online at arm's length despite how much you've all loved and supported me over the years. 

I hate that I can't handle the intimacy and I hate that I'm scared because of threats made that will probably never amount to anything... 
Anyway, I hope you reading this are doing well and know I hate keeping you at a distance. 

 

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Ashley Needles

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