Of Friends and Foes

Ever had someone quit a friendship with you? Did you ever not want that friendship to end?

It's easy to get selfish in friendship and take friends for granted. I know I have. Did you ever want to fix things?

Being on the side of walking away from a few people today, mostly because with what is going on with my sister I just can't give anymore I've been sucked dry I had to let go, but that doesn't mean things had to be over, things just had to change.

But if someone is to the point of quitting a relationship platonic or not with you, how do you change their mind?

I can only tell you what would work with me at this point in these relationships.

First, I'll share with you what happened and then what could have been different.

Me: Hey I want you to know I wish you the best, but I think it's best to cut contact. As my sister is in the ICU and you've shown a lack of concern for me, I think it's best if I invest my time and friendship elsewhere. Good luck in life I wish you well.

His response: So you blocked me? I didn't even know anything was going on with your sister. I haven't even been on fb to see your posts. I've been dealing with drama from my ex.

Me: I'm sorry you're dealing with drama but it isn't just this week and what is going on with my sister. Have a good life.

Him: Ok then

So let's say you get the first message from me and you know I'm someone who hangs on until you've snapped every last thread with me, how could you change the outcome of this scenario?

First, acknowledge the other person's pain: I'm so sorry I've hurt you so much you feel like this is what you need to do. Is there anything I can do to change your mind? How can I be a better friend to you?

This opens the door to a real conversation about what is wrong in the relationship. Instead of making excuses and being defensive you're showing real concern for your friend and the relationship.

If you make it about you when a person you care about is sucked dry... they really don't have much of a reason to hold onto the relationship with you, do they?

Here's the other scenario that happened, I decided to just block someone without a goodbye or a head's up.

This person has known for some time he hasn't been a good friend but hasn't worked on doing better. He has my number if he wants to text he can but truthfully I doubt he will notice I've cut ties for a few months.

So how do you approach a situation like this? First NOTICE!!!

If he were to text me, I'd want it to be sooner rather than later.

Ideally, the conversation would go something like this,

Him: Did you delete your facebook account?

Me: No, I just blocked you.

Him: Wow, I didn't realize I hurt you so much you felt you needed to do that. Can I make it up to you? Can we fix this?

The truth is until you ask point-blank what needs to be done you will never know.

I could have of course gone on a rant with both of these people on the myriad of reasons I chose to cut ties. I didn't because it didn't feel like I mattered enough to either of them for them to even care how they hurt me or for them to try and change their behaviors.

Also, no one wants to feel emotionally attacked or have their failures pointed out unless there is something more important at stake than their ego.

I've learned it doesn't work to just bring up what a person is doing wrong unless the person actually cares to know.

Change can only happen in relationships when we open ourselves to what we've done wrong. Admittedly maybe I was too hasty in walking away, maybe I could have tried harder but under the current stress I broke a little bit and had to protect my energy.

Below are some links to books I found useful in having meaningful conversations and better relationships! You'll be amazed at how these insights can change your life! Lot's of love!

No Greater Love

In my marriage, I grew cold and distant, I was dark emptiness taking up a small space. When the marriage inevitably ended, I was left wondering if I was capable of love at all. Wondering if my coldness led to the death of something great for many people. Since then I've tried a few tepid attempts at love, with each trial showing me new errors. People say, "You just haven't met the right person yet," but that isn't true. Relationships fail not because there is some mystical magical right person out there for each of us but rather because we are human and being human means failing sometimes. (Of course, just because there is no "right one" that doesn't mean there aren't wrong ones. There are after all a few truly terrible people mucking about in the world but these are the exceptions, not the rule.) I am currently a failure at relationships, but with each failure, I learn and grow, and eventually, I will be a fantastic success at one relati...

One Day at a Time

Growing up in Utah, I had classes broaching subjects like episiotomies, lamaze, and more. Needless to say while I didn't want kids, I had my birth plan ready to the letter all the i's dotted and t's crossed. I planned a relaxed at home delivery with my birth partner in a tub of purified water, dim lights and the sounds of the ocean playing over a pre recorded sound track of my heart beat. I wanted erotic stimulation if labor stalled. I wanted delayed cord clamping and UV lights on the ready with an infant eye mask. With Res out of the picture, some of that obviously went out the window. As my due date came and went, my pre labor continued. Two weeks of contractions starting and stopping. Alone in a hotel room (chosen for its location relative to a hospital with a level five NICU and not for the black mold growing inside the bathroom or drug addicts in the hallways or gun shots down the street) I kept asking myself how I was going to do this. How was I ...

Divorce: A Journey to Total Happiness

Your plans lay shattered in a million pieces. You're walking around with a gaping hole smashed in your chest from the words that ripped out your heart. You can barely breathe. I remember those first three months vividly. I'd failed my marriage, my husband and myself. My dreams of being a perfect wife, of having the best marriage ever, all went perfectly to hell. Despite how many times I'd fantasized about leaving my husband and how awful my marriage was every inch of my body felt flayed, bruised and every bone broken. Each nerve ending cried with a desperate need to be touched and held. Any vague reminder of my marriage, my spouse, was like getting kicked in the gut by a Clydesdale. Three years later I look back and know it was all worth it, every excruciating moment. The living torment led me to paths I never would have otherwise taken. Desperate to escape the thoughts torturing my mind I delved into sleep hypnosis, audiobooks on relationships, communica...

Ashley Needles

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