Feelings of Not enough

This makes me bonkers more than anything else a person can do. This leads to me ending relationships because I can't handle it. Of course, I have to admit I've done this too but only when the person was violent or threatening.

In 2018 I cared about too many people who just didn't or couldn't show they cared back. It was so hard on my heart, it still is. Daily I ask myself why I'm still trying with these people.

I know eventually, I have to end things for my own sanity but I keep hoping for a miracle.

I keep wondering why they push me away, what I've done wrong... I keep wondering why I'm not enough. If it were just one person it wouldn't matter but it isn't. It's several.

One of which... I made a huge sacrifice for but that person can never know about it because the fallout would be massive in his life.

So I keep my silence. I keep trying... at least for now. Soon though I'll stop trying and block all contact.

I know there are people in the world who value me and who can accept the love I have to give and return it easily.

M comes to mind but,

For a while, M and I went through a rough patch where he didn't speak to me for an entire year. Things haven't been the same since.

This kind of pain... it's so hard to trust again afterward. It's so hard to let down the walls.

I'm trying to stay upbeat, but it hasn't been easy. With the new year, I've decided to take a few months and try out a different location, try out a different life and see if the problem follows me.

I've only ever twice before had this problem, where I wasn't enough for it seemed everyone in my life.

The first time was because as a child I was sexually abused by a handful of people. While the struggle was mostly internal, it left me incredibly vulnerable to feelings of not being enough for others.

The second time started when I was in sixth grade, my parents were divorcing and every friend I had abandoned me. I made new friends but it took time and despite how sweet my new friends were I never felt quite as close to them.

Because of what I went through I'm someone who tries too hard and is far too hard on myself. I know I'm a bit boring because I try to do everything right and so it makes me less fun and far too serious, despite working on loosening up over the years.

As a child, I believed the reason bad things were happening to me was because I wasn't real. The original tale of the little mermaid how she didn't have a soul and had to kill herself at the end was kind of how I saw myself and the world. It led to my first suicide attempt.

After an LDS general conference where the "prophet" talked about how it was better to have a millstone hung about one's neck and be dropped in the deepest ocean than to hurt a little child I believed if people would be punished for hurting me then I should spare them the temptation and die. I was four.

Faced with the feelings of "Not Enough" as an adult for the first time... I again feel like I did as the child who tied bags of stones to her body and planned to drown in the nearby pond.

Every insecurity that was once laid to rest has resurfaced.

I know this is happening because there is something more to learn and it will make me grow in some way.
The first time all those feelings went away was when I decided at sixteen that even if I wasn't enough for anyone else I would always be enough for me. That one decision changed everything. Now though I'm coming upon a new crossroads, a new decision until I figure out the lesson though I won't know what it is. In the meantime... I'm trying to distract myself. I'm trying to hold on to a vision and goal for my future.

A vision of being loved and loving without reservation.

I'm not sure if that exists... but I hope so. While I hope though I will continue as I always have, trying my best to improve and become better so by the time I meet that someone who will love me completely without running away I will be a lighthouse in the storm for that person as well.

Below are links to one of the authors that helps me overcome fear and doubt and reminds me I am always enough! I'm about to start going through her audiobooks again. Click the links if you want to join me on the journey of self-healing!