Ashley Needles

Ever written a list that goes something like: Take vitamins Pay bills Pick up dry cleaning Get spinach, cheese, and rice thins Etc Etc Ect Until you want to pull your hair out and just go back to bed? I have, but all that changed a few years ago. My to-do lists transformed into tiny love notes to myself. Now my lists look something like this, Dear Ashley, I'm so proud of you for waking up today! Getting out of bed might be a small accomplishment but you've already accomplished one thing today! I love your passion for life! Hey, I hope you will remember to take those yummy vitamins I got you! I want to see if they work! Maybe they will give you tons of energy for the rest of the day! The internet is expensive this month but you are doing so great with marketing and writing your books, it's worth it to me. You are worth it to me! Oh and remember that gorgeous dress you wore on that sexy date? It's at the dry cleaners. You look smashing in it...

In one of my support groups, a woman posted about her ex giving her a guilt trip because the government gave his tax return to her for the back child support he owed.   Lately, as in for the last five years, I've been getting guilt trips because I've been fighting for what's legally mine. Those guilt trips tied my stomach in painful knots. Seeing her post I gave her some advice. The exact advice I've been needing to hear.  "You have to fight for what's yours in this world! There are going to be people telling you "You don't deserve it," trying to make you feel guilty or small, but you can't listen to that or let it get in your head. Hold your head high, because you're fighting for what belongs to you!" Though in that case I wrote, "belongs to your kid," but I adapted it for me. My next piece of advice one I've been giving just myself for several years now is, "When it comes to divorce or relationships the last t...

Anger can be like a beast that traps Beauty in the castle, and it can grow into a monstrous uncontrollable outrage or it can hide in the shadows making snide poisonous remarks often sucking the life of the assassin or it can be like Mcdonald's something you ingest and internalize until it kills you. Those anger tactics are WRONG! What does it mean to honor your anger? Anger occurs when we feel our rights are being violated or we experience hurt or disappointment. The first step in having a loving relationship with your anger and using it to create healthier and more intimate relationships is to acknowledge it to yourself. Admitting to yourself you are angry means you don't get to suppress it and let it become a festering resentment of a person or situation. Next, ask yourself why are you really angry? Is it because your friend was late? Or is it really because you missed your friend and were worried about them? Or is it because you were stressed o...

A mash of blogs about M I'd written but until now couldn't publish. I can't go into the details of what I was going through or why I needed him more than I ever needed anyone, to start with but I can tell you, I've never known anyone else who loves as selflessly or as completely as he does. Actually, now since I threw caution to the wind in my last post I guess I can!  ****** M is the man I dated post chemo, not the first but the second. He's who I was dating when I was undercover working for the D.A. I would knock on his door at three A.M. crying, shaking, desperately needing to not be alone after being in such horrific environments and dealing with the disturbing underbelly that comes from having a dark net. When I started actually seeking out modeling gigs I was sending my photos to every craigslist ad and all other internet ads I could find online. That's how it happened. I went to a beautiful restaurant to talk to a man about a job. That...

This was written to one of my private Facebook support groups. I know it's going to bring out a ton of haters but I'm tired of feeling ashamed! During my marriage, my husband liked to flip out and break things. One day he threw our dog. After that, I told him I would never have kids with him. He went super ultra ballistic and broke nearly every piece of furniture in the house. At the time we were living in Costa Rica and I only knew one person who spoke English, a guy, he'd been teaching me Spanish. I went to his house to deliver a chair for him. He used his house as a school where he taught ch ildren English. I needed to get away from my husband and just clear my head. It started to rain as I drove down the mountain. I was crying and barely able to see straight. By the time I got to the guy's house, I was shaking. He opened the door and I said, "I'm leaving my husband." The guy pulled me into his arms and started kissing me. I trie...

Author's Note: *From here forward what you will be reading will be both fact and fiction. While before only some details were slightly off most things were quite accurate. Unfortunately, alone, without a memory trigger, I cannot remember clearly the exact unfolding of events. I held onto Lee memorizing the feel of his arms around me and drowned in the dark spicy scent of him. Eternity could pass and I would have been content to remain just like this. A brown low riding car with a tan top pulled into the drive. Lee withdrew stepping forward protectively. He eyed the vehicle like a threat. Chelle came out, the screen door banging behind her. Her eyes passed over Lee and for a moment her face brightened with some thought or emotion. I glanced back to the car and noticed the knife in Lee's hand. To anyone else the small lip of metal that protruded from his palm would have been insignificant. Lee had naturally hidden the rest of the encasement beneath the sl...

I really don't want to write this blog. I want to move on with my life with my head in the sand and stop feeling like this is my problem to deal with. I actually want David to be sane and successful so I can get a giant check for alimony each month and all the back spousal support he owes. Unfortunately, he's still not stable or cured or helped, at least not as of March 3, 2018, which was four days ago as I write this. Of course, you don't have to take my word for it, this is an excerpt from the email he sent. Here is a close up of what he wrote: For those with eyesight impairment, the text has been copied and pasted to the bottom of the blog after the ads So telling someone "the world is going to be destroyed" and lose "The Great Tribulation" if that person doesn't do what you say and that it is all your fault is, well, not just crazy but abusive. I have to say though it does make for an interesting threat... I mean ho...

What happens when you choose to stay in an abusive relationship even after your life has turned to hell? I'm so blessed that hell kicked me out, though at first, it cut me apart. I felt like a complete and utter failure. Later, as I began to recover, see clearly, and started living for myself for the first time in my life, that's when tiny cracks began to appear. It started off as what seemed like little things. I wasn't comfortable with people. I had nightmares where I was forced to go back to that "prison." As time went on I noticed bigger problems, things upset me that I couldn't find a reason for. When I liked a guy and we started bonding I would suddenly get really annoyed by everything he did. It wasn't like me to be so uptight or easily bothered. The music he listened to would suddenly make my head feel like it was going to explode or whenever he started talking about something panic would suddenly seize my chest and I would start bab...

I went on a date with a total jerk, then accidentally went out with his brother. Liking his brother I tried to make peace with Toxic after he invited me to his band's performance.  Unfortunately, instead, I got another lesson in toxic masculinity.  Do you know how to tell if you are dealing with a toxic person?  In the following text messages, you will see me dealing with a toxic misogynist. His name has been redacted along with location details.  So far all is going okay other than yes I am being "weird" as I try to make a peace offering, which I guess isn't typical behavior these days. Even the most toxic individuals can seem decent upon initial contact. This is our first contact after quite some time. Here, when he tries to invade my or his brother's privacy I start putting up a wall. Abusers hate boundaries and will belittle you or make you feel crazy for having personal space. Again I tried to make peace by offer...