Cheesecake and Fear.

Recently I started falling for a guy. He's funny, sweet, and patient with me. He likes cheesecake. Cheesecake, David's favorite dessert. Then there are other little commonalities.

Those little things built up and a part of me snapped and I did that stupid self-sabotage test thing. The thing you do to your partner when you're afraid of the past repeating itself.

In my marriage, I was accused of cheating with every guy I so much as looked at or knew the name of. I stopped talking to a lot of friends even my girl friends because he didn't like them. I cut myself off from everyone except those in the business trying to make my husband happy.

So I went to a performance where I danced with every guy and girl who was willing and flirted a little. I made a facebook report the next day and this wonderful person didn't react.

I pushed further. I flirted on facebook. I was crass and lewd remarking that I wanted to drag another person off to a cave somewhere.

I got a reaction. It was heartbreakingly beautiful. He told me I was amazing and he didn't want to change me but that he can't be with someone who flirts with others because of what he's been through.

I can't blame him. He's suffered enough. He's been cheated on and hurt in ways far worse than most can imagine, far worse than the small scrapes and bruises I've been through in comparison.

I don't know what's going to happen. He's taking some time right now, so I'm giving him space wishing I could explain and hoping he might read this, might understand.

The space is annoying because I like to fix things. When my friends are hurting I want to be there, make things better and this time there is nothing I can do. Instead, I hurt because he hurts and I curse myself for being so afraid and doing what I did.

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