FINE! I'M DONE BEING AFRAID! I'M DONE FEELING GUILTY!

This was written to one of my private Facebook support groups. I know it's going to bring out a ton of haters but I'm tired of feeling ashamed!

During my marriage, my husband liked to flip out and break things.

One day he threw our dog. After that, I told him I would never have kids with him. He went super ultra ballistic and broke nearly every piece of furniture in the house.

At the time we were living in Costa Rica and I only knew one person who spoke English, a guy, he'd been teaching me Spanish. I went to his house to deliver a chair for him. He used his house as a school where he taught children English.

I needed to get away from my husband and just clear my head.

It started to rain as I drove down the mountain. I was crying and barely able to see straight. By the time I got to the guy's house, I was shaking. He opened the door and I said, "I'm leaving my husband."

The guy pulled me into his arms and started kissing me. I tried to pull away but my arms were like noodles like I'd just overly worked out lifting weights or something. I'm not sure if that's because I have adrenal exhaustion or what but I barely had the strength of a kitten.

Then he was removing my shirt and I said "No." It barely cracked out of my throat. 'Did he not hear because of the rain?' I don't know.

Then he was throwing me onto his bed and taking my pants off. I tried to get up but he pushed me back down face first onto his bed and then fucked me while I lay on my stomach completely still paralyzed by the fear from my husband, and from this guy suddenly turning so insanely aggressive.

I cried while he fucked me, with my face smashed into the pillow.

I don't know if it was rape or cheating. My husband claims it was cheating but he wasn't there. I hated every second and after I wanted to die.

I went home and showered and remembered the reason I married my husband. It was because post chemo I'd had too many similar experiences of men taking advantage my inability and incapacity.

I again resigned myself to staying in my abusive marriage.

When my husband came out about his affair I told him some of what happened, leaving out his part in it and when he talked about killing the guy I told him that "No, I'd cheated." I had flirted with the guy so 'maybe I had wanted it,' is what I told myself.

Anyway, he keeps throwing this in my face and then making up stuff that isn't true and accuses me of sleeping with every Tom, Dick, and Harry.

I feel so sick. I'm so tired of it. I know it's going to come out soon and all his false accusations along with it.

Some of which I don't know how to deal with. I worked undercover as a stripper for The D.A.s office to bring down a child prostitution ring and he turns that into I was hooker before we got married.Which isn't something I can dispute publicly without it putting my life in jeopardy.

(Guess I'm putting my life in jeopardy because I can't take this anymore.)

I feel so overwhelmed and lost and I just want it all to go away.

Not suicidal but just very tired of it all.

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End of the post. So I went on FB calling for anyone I'd slept with while with David to come forward. People thought it was laughable, a joke.

Some made jokes about kissing me or sleeping with me. I tried to laugh but inwardly died a little. I don't know what's going to happen after I publish this. I expect it's going to cause some massive fallout but who knows. Maybe it will just be one of those things that goes by unnoticed in the land of internet. IDK. I'm just tired of being afraid of "What if it does go public?"

To all the commentators on my blog, I, unfortunately, cannot get blogger or google to let me respond back! Your love is appreciated though!

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Ashley Needles

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