Ashley Needles

I want to be heard, but the way I look makes you deaf. You say you know me. You don't know me. You only know your idea of me. We haven't had deep conversations. Yet you think you know me when you haven't asked a single question. You want to sleep with me so much you won't get out of my car no matter how I hint, ask or beg. When you finally do, you're angry I made you leave and you bash my job because it means I can't give you the time you demand. You kiss me because you can't hear "No," over the pulsing drum of the selfish animal howling inside you. The animal that makes me afraid. So you tell me to relax and I want to slam my fist into your face but I restrain myself knowing you can hit a lot harder. You have the power to kill me with a single blow. So I let you kiss me shoving down the urge to bite off your tongue as you plunge it down my throat making me gag. I try to talk, to bond to give you a ...

I get it, you have the best of intentions, your idea is just AMAZING! You're just trying to help and you have a book in mind you would love to read, you want to tell an author about it so they can write it up and you can enjoy it! What's wrong with that? A LOT! First, writing a book is HARD. Unless you've written one, you have no idea how hard. Even writing a bad book is hard. Okay, so you want to point to people like J.K. Rowling who wrote the first Harry Potter book in a flurry of inspiration. Do you realize how many books and stories she wrote before that to get that good, let alone efficient? Harry Potter was somewhere around her thousandth story. And she is an exception, NOT the rule! After all, there's only one Barbara Cartland! The normal author struggles daily to get their word count in. They spend years on a single book. Ender's Game took Orson Scott Card twelve YEARS to write! You're thinking "Well yeah, but that's wh...

You know those girls that bug you? The ones who are too forward? Make the first move? Ask to come over and occasionally take the lead in relationships? Those women are high T WOMEN. Women with just a bit more testosterone to make life interesting and the best kind of partner a man will ever find. Forget the ice queens who play hard to get and have no time for you, forget the clingy needy types who whine and complain when you don't have time. Take a moment to separate out and find a high T bedroom obsessed powerhouse! Not convinced? Here's a list of reasons why the woman texting and calling you is the right one! Women who make moves know what they want and aren't afraid to go for it. She may even be more successful than you and if you're thinking about having kids, that bigger paycheck will absolutely come in handy! These women have time for you and news flash it isn't because they don't have better things to do but because they see you as worth ...

Yesterday, most the day I wanted to cry. It was a great day, lots of wonderful things happened, but my sad 'time of the month' hormones were in full swing! Because of the sadness I was experiencing, I accidentally discovered something to stop the mind-numbing curl me into a ball feel like I'm being stabbed with a knife cramps I get!!! Normally, this would be super exciting because I've been dealing with this issue for years but can't take most things due to my hundreds of allergies. So what was it? I'll get to that in a second. Almost a year ago I bought a bottle of pills for my depression. Pills that were on top of helping with depression supposed to increase focus, help with weight loss (not exactly what I wanted but hey most people would consider it a bonus) and in general be fairly beneficial. In the trial run, I took a double hit of the max dose assuming the stuff worked similar to Prozac and 5-HTP or other antidepressants. Wow was I wrong! I ...

I get it, you want to be a knight in shiny armor and slay some dragons. Awesome! But that girl who is crying, that girl with the sorrow in her eyes can't give you what you need in a romantic partner.   Recently I wrote a Facebook post about sitting in a Denny's Diner alone feeling sad. My inbox immediately filled up with men who wanted to fill a hole in my life. When my heart was ripped out and stomped on after finding out my husband had cheated on me, men and women popped out from every nook and cranny of the internet and "real life" to try and sleep with me. Women are NOT meant to be wounded gazelles and you are NOT meant to be wolves that pounce on them when they show emotional weakness. I don't get why guys are all about the sad eyes, emojis, or tears when  these things lead to drama and toxic relationships. Women who are smiling and doing okay in life will make much better partners than those looking for an emotional crutch! Recent...

I'm not someone who believes in psychic abilities very much. That said I have a friend who felt my pain from an ocean away and never having met me before called me up and that's how we met and became friends. As a child, she suffered a traumatic brain injury that left her open to picking up things the rest of us filter out. I think someday there might be a scientific explanation for her but I haven't found it yet! Me, however... My unconscious will lose my phone when I don't want to talk to someone. It will lose my keys whenever I don't want to go somewhere. I've had to fight with it my whole life because it doesn't take responsibility or financial costs seriously. Those things are fairly normal for most people. What makes my unconscious mind a bit different is it shows me things, hallucinations of truths, this usually happens only when I'm meditating but sometimes when I'm not expecting it. In social situations, it can make things a b...

I wear my heart on my sleeve and love falling in love. Relationships, however, don't always work out. During this most recent break, I've had sadness of course but I know it will pass. It was wonderful though because I thought maybe those giddy feelings were gone for good and that my heart was no longer able to leap at the sight of someone. Now I know that isn't true. I'm so glad it happened, even if it didn't last. On the other side though I've been watching someone else go through a heartbreak. His relationship lasted probably about the same amount of time as mine. Only he seems to think his world is broken and his pain is permanent. He posts sad songs and hurt. Don't get me wrong, I don't think there is anything wrong with being sad for it adds shadows to the landscape of joy giving it depth and perspective. Sorrow can be beautiful. It is a bittersweet chocolate. It usually comes from loss. It is what tells us we had something good a...

Sabbatical: a friendly loving break up where two people want to be together but can't. Unless you ask Webster, Miriam or Oxford. Stupid me mentioned to him something, a secret I've been keeping for several years. Unlike me, he takes it seriously, whereas I do my best to ignore it most days until I break down under the weight of the damn thing. Unfortunately, he also reads my blog so that whole typing out my concerns about the relationship and the strain it's put on me led to him making the decision that it would be best for me if we broke up. He doesn't want it to be permanent just long enough for me to take care of well 'the damn secret.' Of course, he had to be a gentleman and instead of bringing up the big pink elephant in my life, he blamed it on his need to heal emotionally from his divorce and while I'm sure that played a part in it the whole us breaking up choice, I have a feeling that it was really my elephant on his mind. I don't know ...

Whenever I get into relationships, I lose friends. This time, the cost so far has been three friends. Two of those friends are people I've loved for over ten years and worse M, isn't talking to me. Which is my fault. (Another blog for another day) People always have an opinion on how you are running your life. Yesterday I got ground down for three hours about my choices and why all my choices were wrong. My friend who was lecturing me did it out of love for me because she's never seen me care about anyone like I do this one and she doesn't want me to mess it up. Nightmares. The first one I was on a university campus and my significant other was there giving a guest lecture on relationships. I was too afraid that he would think I was stalking him if I went in and sat in the front row because real life, of course, penetrated my dream and so things were awkward between us. I ended up getting locked out of the lecture because I was too busy hiding behind a trashcan...

Recently I started falling for a guy. He's funny, sweet, and patient with me. He likes cheesecake. Cheesecake, David's favorite dessert. Then there are other little commonalities. Those little things built up and a part of me snapped and I did that stupid self-sabotage test thing. The thing you do to your partner when you're afraid of the past repeating itself. In my marriage, I was accused of cheating with every guy I so much as looked at or knew the name of. I stopped talking to a lot of friends even my girl friends because he didn't like them. I cut myself off from everyone except those in the business trying to make my husband happy. So I went to a performance where I danced with every guy and girl who was willing and flirted a little. I made a facebook report the next day and this wonderful person didn't react. I pushed further. I flirted on facebook. I was crass and lewd remarking that I wanted to drag another person off to a cave somewhere. I got a reacti...

Autumn, trees blaze with brilliant colors, the air is crisp, the world dances naked and wild in the wind until snow dresses each branch and limb in trillions of diamonds. Fall decay, death, withering, green shriveling away into the ominous silence of bleak winter. Autumn brought gifts of Halloween, chocolate, costumes, childhood, my mother keeping the car warm as I knocked on neighbors doors who handed out homemade caramel apples and for one night the world filled up with magic and sorcery. I was fourteen it was October fourth when Fall showed its true face. My father in a haze of pain and insanity, did something horrific, something that would haunt us both until his death, leaving me sole heir of the memory. At sixteen autumn dug a deep well of first love. He was cigarettes and spice, tender and nice. Then fall returned in January he was taken, caged and changed into someone I no longer recognized. New year's eve brought Art into my life. He sang in a cafe...

You've probably heard of psychopaths and sociopaths those who lack empathy or guilt, but have you heard of schizoids? Schizoids are people who don't feel lonely. I know because I am one. I can miss people on rare occasions but I can and have spent years with only rare intermittent human contact and been completely content, which is something that would drive most people bonkers.   I'm not sure if there are names for the others I'm about to describe, but I have a theory loneliness, guilt and empathy are not the only emotional sensations a person is capable of lacking and I suspect most humans have at least one missing emotion. You've heard of depression I'm sure, an inability to be happy but what if it goes deeper than that? I have a friend whom I've known since kindergarten, he can feel frantic excitement at new places and new things but he is incapable of experiencing contentment and long-term happiness. For a time he will be excited about new ...

I'm in a mood to rant. So bear with me or you know, throw your device on the floor and use it as a trampoline (kidding just click away.) Things guys have said that pissed me off lately and made me laugh: 1. That I need to act stupid and hide my intelligence so he, "Toxic Masculinity," could feel smart. 2. That because I'm a nurturer I need to get used to not being heard or having my needs met. We'll call this guy "The New Sexist Narcissist." 3. A very long tirade about how I should go to bed with a guy's friend because he was showing interest. Most of the tirade was directed at a certain piece of my anatomy. My name for this guy is not appropriate to say publicly, I had tons of fun going full mode WICKED WITCH on him though, and he later apologized, so his name is not quite written in stone. 4. There's more, a lot more, but some of it I'm just not comfortable sharing because of those who are apparently stalking my wall t...