What's Bad About New Relationships and Working Through It.

Whenever I get into relationships, I lose friends. This time, the cost so far has been three friends. Two of those friends are people I've loved for over ten years and worse M, isn't talking to me. Which is my fault. (Another blog for another day)

People always have an opinion on how you are running your life. Yesterday I got ground down for three hours about my choices and why all my choices were wrong. My friend who was lecturing me did it out of love for me because she's never seen me care about anyone like I do this one and she doesn't want me to mess it up.

Nightmares. The first one I was on a university campus and my significant other was there giving a guest lecture on relationships. I was too afraid that he would think I was stalking him if I went in and sat in the front row because real life, of course, penetrated my dream and so things were awkward between us. I ended up getting locked out of the lecture because I was too busy hiding behind a trashcan hoping he didn't see me when he closed the door and locked it behind him. I was left alone in the barren hallway.

I tried listening through the door, but everything was garbled. When the lecture ended, I tried to casually bump into him but it was too late and he was in a hurry to get on to the next thing.

That was just the first nightmare. The second, last night's, I was filled with rage and kept trying to bash in my head and strangle myself. I was split into two people one side terrified and the other side filled with homicidal rage. I woke up gagging with my hands clenched around the covers.

The hardest part though is while he's taking time I'm alone going through this transition. If he decides to end things it may just be a short storm and all this emotional trauma is for nothing. If on the other hand, he decides to move forward, I know I will lose more friends, I will have to continue to hold space and distance in all my other relationships.

So what in the blazes makes being in a relationship worth it?

Why do we search for that special someone who is worth all the trauma? Is it just the physical perks? Is it the idea of having someone to hold onto when you feel alone?

I don't know. All I know is getting into relationships always makes me feel completely alone at least for a while sometimes for months, sometimes for weeks, sometimes for days.

This time though it's been incredibly hard because instead of having that someone there reminding me what I'm fighting for, he's shut me out. I deserve it of course and it isn't his problem. Everything I'm going through isn't his problem.

I made the choice to be with him only him and I knew these would be only some of the consequences.

There's a lot more of course. Relationships are expensive because we invest our time and money into another person's happiness but another person's happiness won't pay the rent.

Only throughout this whole ordeal, I've just wanted one thing, to be in someone's arms crying my eyes out.

Except even if he weren't taking time and nursing his wounds I know instead of leaning on him, I would be smiling and strong because I don't know how to connect with my emotions anymore when I'm around new people.

I spent too long surviving by making someone else happy I'm completely disconnected from my emotions when I'm with anyone I didn't know before David.

So I admit, I'm having a hard time wanting him to forgive me after yesterday. Part of me hopes this relationship dies a young newborn death.

Another thing is, I have a decision coming up, one he's aware of and what I choose will determine how much time I have to spend away from him.

My life would be a lot easier this coming year if he isn't in it. Less traveling through snow on icy roads, more money, and more time to focus on my goals.

So what makes having this person in my life worth it? Why do I rush to see him anytime he has a spare moment from work and sleep? Why do I feel giddy anytime I get a text from him or hear his voice?

He's it for me. 

He's the one who I can work through problems with. We talk things out without blame or yelling. We respect each other's space, he doesn't even get embarrassed in restaurants when I have to be super specific about my food and make a specialty order. He gets just as happy to see me as I am to see him.

On the downside: I enjoy making him happy more than I care about my well being. In some ways it's bad. Obsessing over another person's happiness is codependent and I think I am slightly (or completely,) or maybe it's just that initial intoxicating rush that's made me lose my mind when it comes to him. I don't know.

I'm not afraid of losing him as long as he's happy. I'm always incredibly happy single. I don't thrive in relationships. I put everything on hold to make my significant other happy, which is something I need to practice not doing.

My last relationship was long distance and so that wasn't a factor. My last relationship I did fairly good with all the things I seem to be failing at now, instead, I failed in the opposite direction.

Striving for that balance is hard, and can be teeth grinding frustrating.

After the nightmare where I was trying to kill myself, I meditated on how to balance my two sides.

First I have to let go of feeling responsible for everyone else's happiness. 

Second, I need to be able to talk to my partner about what is really going on with me and I have to figure out how to achieve his focused attention on my needs instead of always letting him decide what's going to happen when.

I've been too accommodating due to his long hours at work, lack of sleep and certain things he's been going through. I've held the entire onus of the relationship on my shoulders.

Truthfully I want someone I can share my burdens with and I haven't been able to truly do that with him. He's made an effort to let me but instead of allowing myself to break down and come apart in his arms I've stitched together my broken pieces and slipped into my armor of happiness.

I am a truly happy person, but that doesn't mean things don't bother me or that I don't need help once in a while.

After everything that's gone on this week, I hit my breaking point and couldn't ask him to be there for it. According to the person I talked to last night who called me at 2 A.M. I deserve to be alone through this because to her, flirting is cheating.

I don't know if she's right. For me, it's always been a gradual slide into verbal fidelity. Everything else though has been strict clear lines.

I struggle with giving up the freedom of speech in relationships, not so much because it is drilled in as a natural right but more because I have brain damage. My prefrontal cortex looks like it's been hit with buckshot so I don't have the normal filters everyone else does.

To be frank the only reason I think what I did was wrong is that it hurt him. I don't see what everyone else sees. I should have known it would hurt him, but unfortunately, there are certain areas of human emotions where I have a blind spot and just don't get.

I don't know if that is part of being a schizoid or if it is the other area of my brain that is scarred. On the upper left hemisphere is a giant scar from being beaten over the head with one of those old wall telephones, it controls logical processing.

(Apologies for the sidebar it's just ever since I started studying neuropsychology, I've been obsessed with it.) 



So overall I have to say he's been good for me. Despite the costs, I want to be with him. I can't explain all the reasons why; emotions are funny like that. He does his best in making me feel safe around him and that means the whole world right now.