Ashley Needles

My brain got smashed to bits when a guy sent me a hot as hell sexy photo of himself sans shirt. Unfortunately for him, me writing is not the best workout and my belly looks more like a marshmallow than victoria's secret. Do I really want to go see this guy? Or rather do I really want him to see me in all my frumpy working at a computer all day glory? If I start working out two hours a day now I can definitely have a lingerie bod in a couple weeks but can I really afford the time away from writing when I'm already overwhelmed with other demands on my time? Recap I met him years ago when nothing could happen between us because I was unhappily MARRIED, besides that he was so gorgeous and great with people I assumed automatically even if I was single he was a hundred thousand light-years out of my league.  Astonishingly enough we stayed friends despite me turning into a complete and utter moron around him no matter how married I was. Can I just say I hated that? I hated...

Discovering ways to love myself. Number One: Sometimes I hurt with the loneliness but am no longer willing to be in a relationship just because it's there and distracts me from my problems. Learning to love what's inside the mess I am now isn't always easy. Some days I feel overcome with ordinariness. I want to be special... like Buffy or a Halliwell or instead of saving the world maybe just having a wonderous gift like being able to sing well enough people want to listen. I always felt separate from others, on the outside looking in. When I try to socialize I feel like I'm a monstrously disfigured creature oozing a noxious smell. Growing up I felt diseased and didn't want people to be around me because I was afraid I was a typhoid Mary of sorts. I worried the darkness inside might in some way infect and mar the incredible beauty of others. My first time in therapy I worked hard to overcome those beliefs. Now I don't slit my wrists to feel real or ...

I loved your music, your mind, the way you looked at me. I couldn't listen to one more note or hear another unique thought or have you look at me one more time. He hurt me too much. If you came any closer you would have seen the fractured pieces held together by fragile strings of hope. I pushed you away because I couldn't handle losing you. Not again. You are too smart, too self-controlled, too thoughtful. Your blue eyes sparkle too much. Your voice, rough and sexy scraping over my skin so sensually it tears me apart. When we went on a "hike," I complained every step... because of him. The death marches on my barely healed broken foot back then welled up in the back of my mind. So instead of being with you... I was with him that day. It wasn't fair to you. Just like the night you wanted to cuddle but I couldn't. I wasn't with you then. Instead, the insecurities bit like mosquitoes every inch of me till nothing was left for you when you needed ...

There are those couples that get together in high school and stay together for life. Somedays I feel like I'm too jaded now. When I was a teen and dating I didn't think about the flaws or the problems with another person I was just so grateful someone was even interested in me. Now... I don't fall so much as dip my toe in and it's beginning to feel like the time for love in my life has passed. I love being single though so it isn't a bad thing. It just doesn't make sense. Many people get together much later than this... so why do I feel like it's too late for me? Have I become cynical? Incapable of loving someone else? Part of me believes I have. I think that's partly why I've been sabotaging my relationships. I'm a little frustrated with myself today. I want to be doe-eyed and see people the way I once did. I can't go back though and if I had the choice I wouldn't. It took a lot of pain for me to get here. ...