Ashley Needles

My brain got smashed to bits when a guy sent me a hot as hell sexy photo of himself sans shirt. Unfortunately for him, me writing is not the best workout and my belly looks more like a marshmallow than victoria's secret. Do I really want to go see this guy? Or rather do I really want him to see me in all my frumpy working at a computer all day glory? If I start working out two hours a day now I can definitely have a lingerie bod in a couple weeks but can I really afford the time away from writing when I'm already overwhelmed with other demands on my time? Recap I met him years ago when nothing could happen between us because I was unhappily MARRIED, besides that he was so gorgeous and great with people I assumed automatically even if I was single he was a hundred thousand light-years out of my league.  Astonishingly enough we stayed friends despite me turning into a complete and utter moron around him no matter how married I was. Can I just say I hated that? I hated...

Discovering ways to love myself. Number One: Sometimes I hurt with the loneliness but am no longer willing to be in a relationship just because it's there and distracts me from my problems. Learning to love what's inside the mess I am now isn't always easy. Some days I feel overcome with ordinariness. I want to be special... like Buffy or a Halliwell or instead of saving the world maybe just having a wonderous gift like being able to sing well enough people want to listen. I always felt separate from others, on the outside looking in. When I try to socialize I feel like I'm a monstrously disfigured creature oozing a noxious smell. Growing up I felt diseased and didn't want people to be around me because I was afraid I was a typhoid Mary of sorts. I worried the darkness inside might in some way infect and mar the incredible beauty of others. My first time in therapy I worked hard to overcome those beliefs. Now I don't slit my wrists to feel real or ...

I loved your music, your mind, the way you looked at me. I couldn't listen to one more note or hear another unique thought or have you look at me one more time. He hurt me too much. If you came any closer you would have seen the fractured pieces held together by fragile strings of hope. I pushed you away because I couldn't handle losing you. Not again. You are too smart, too self-controlled, too thoughtful. Your blue eyes sparkle too much. Your voice, rough and sexy scraping over my skin so sensually it tears me apart. When we went on a "hike," I complained every step... because of him. The death marches on my barely healed broken foot back then welled up in the back of my mind. So instead of being with you... I was with him that day. It wasn't fair to you. Just like the night you wanted to cuddle but I couldn't. I wasn't with you then. Instead, the insecurities bit like mosquitoes every inch of me till nothing was left for you when you needed ...

There are those couples that get together in high school and stay together for life. Somedays I feel like I'm too jaded now. When I was a teen and dating I didn't think about the flaws or the problems with another person I was just so grateful someone was even interested in me. Now... I don't fall so much as dip my toe in and it's beginning to feel like the time for love in my life has passed. I love being single though so it isn't a bad thing. It just doesn't make sense. Many people get together much later than this... so why do I feel like it's too late for me? Have I become cynical? Incapable of loving someone else? Part of me believes I have. I think that's partly why I've been sabotaging my relationships. I'm a little frustrated with myself today. I want to be doe-eyed and see people the way I once did. I can't go back though and if I had the choice I wouldn't. It took a lot of pain for me to get here. ...

Tips and Tools The first step in writing a book is being okay with it not being the most fantastic piece of literature ever. Accepting yourself as a bad writer is the most important step to becoming a great writer. Next, while some people write from the seat of their pants this doesn't work well for complex plot lines. I started by doing quick chapter summaries, the more prep work you do the less rewriting you must do later. My favorite writing program to use is Novlr , unfortunately, after a small free period, it does cost ten dollars a month. Luckily there are plenty of free online sites that work quite well. Fast Pencil  is what I moved to next but then they updated the platform which while it is still a wonderful program to use it doesn't allow for indentation. I'm a freak for indentation. It helps me keep track of my ideas. Why I don't use ibooks author despite having a mac, it seems to always quit on me when I'm half way through. The other rea...

The first of August Nineteen Twenty an African-American girl was born. What happened to her is the reason you pay so much for healthcare. She weighs over  Fifty Million Metric Tons and growing. Today, despite being dead and not having much of an education she works tirelessly in labs worldwide creating cancer treatments, and other medicines. Many of the laws governing abortion, healthcare, and pharmaceuticals exist because of her. She is worth more than every rich person on earth combined and yet her family has always been poor This woman is the reason someone you love is alive today. Her name is Henrietta Lacks. The Supreme Court ruled her body with its immortal cells did not belong to herself or her family. This is why when doctors take your organs they don't pay you for it. Even if your organs are the reason they win a Nobel prize or make billions. It's also why women can't have an abortion for profit. (An aborted fetus is worth over sixty-two thousand do...

Lately it's been getting colder where I'm at (which btw I can't say where that is or why I can't.) Anyway I started sleeping with a heating pad at my feet. I have never had so many nights with such incredible dreams. Since using the heating pad, every time I go to sleep I enter a world where some times I'm in a relationship with Clark Kent aka Super Man or I'm in Venice and can use the water to body board around town. I know Venice doesn't have giant waves IRL but this was a dream and wow is it cool using a blast of water to go up to the fifth story and enter through an open window when I don't feel like taking the stairs. It's made it hard to get out of bed but at least I'm not having nightmares every other night. (PTSD enough said.) The other benefit is I feel better rested and more motivated when I wake up. Writing has also seemed easier. My word count is up. It's like having great dreams is also helping with my creative juices ...

I've often viewed loneliness as a fault, as weak, pathetic and stupid. Not surprisingly it's something I haven't experienced often. Whenever I felt lonely I would doll myself up and go to Denny's or some other twenty-four-hour place to hang and meet people. I was never a girl who was afraid of being alone. I didn't jump from one relationship to the next. I was fine casually dating. Now loneliness sits on my chest, tears clog my throat and my eyes burn. It isn't that I can't go out and meet people and casually date if I really wanted to. It would be an adventure and I'd meet lots of fascinating people. Only I don't. I sit alone at night with Netflix and my dog letting loneliness's chill teeth bite down into my soul a little deeper. Fear holds me hostage. Fear of failing, fear of not being good enough, and fear of being hurt. In the past three years since my husband left me for someone else I've become trapped in a web of guilt made by all t...

Last night I spoke with my spirit guides, higher self, hallucinations, or other personalities whatever you want to call those voices.  My guides appeared in many wonderful entertaining forms. A goblin witch, a cyclops ogre, human, talking animals and plants. It was like being in a Pixar film. My imagination was running wild or I was tapping into the fifth dimension. JK Anyway, the Goblin Witch led me out of the very alive forest to a lake glistening beneath the sun and I was given a choice to go with her across the lake or to stay in the forest. The lake was so large I couldn't see the other side. I had no idea where we were going and when I asked I was told, "No one knows where the choices they make will take them."  The Goblin Witch tapped her foot impatiently as I considered the pros and cons of getting in the boat. I got in. She paddled us out into the lake. The shore quickly disappeared.  I asked, "What would have happened if I'd stayed?"  Wav...