You Are What You Think

We create with each thought the life we live.

It is far too easy to focus on the betrayals, the slights, and the losses that rip our guts out. I recently talked to someone dead set on the belief he was alone in life and everyone would leave him. His pain shot through my soul leaving fifteen gaping bullet holes. One for each person he lost in a single year.

I wanted to take his burning agony and set him free but he clung to it like a tired toddler with a blanket in a tantrum. There was no reasoning with him. He pushed all comfort away with vicious determination.

He was blind even to the possibility his thinking was negative.

With such a magnitude of loss, it makes sense he would see things in such a harsh light, but freedom, joy, and change lay in questioning the reality with which we are presented.

It isn't easy to do that though. In order to survive we've been built to avoid the things which cause us pain, and for him, pain stems from connection, from anchoring his soul in the warmth of others. His safe harbor storm-tossed and dashed upon the rocks, he dares not brave calm waters and instead prefers the tumultuous hurricane raging within.

His torment made me remember times when I was tempted to anchor myself upon the sharp rocks. Times when I wanted to embrace pain as the only possibility in life, but the echoing ghost of Shakespeare cried out, "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

In pushing myself to love even when the monsters of fear, rejection, loss, and broken heartedness loomed, I found great joy.

To love when it scares us the most opens a wellspring of happiness and peace. To love even when the one we love does terrible even unforgivable things is rewarded with a sense of deep accomplishment of character.

There is someone who knows about things going on that I don't talk about. He's had to read emails between myself and someone else. The other day I saw this dear overworked reader of my private communications again after several months of no contact between he and I and previously having met only briefly once before.

The admiration he gave, his joy in seeing me, the way his eyes sparkled as we chatted, it was evident I had accomplished something quite amazing in his eyes through my steady ongoing fortitude to be kind even whilst firmly setting boundaries and dealing with someone who lacked empathy towards me.

If we reject our dreams of love and belonging, if we decide to push away those who wish only the best for us and try to turn our hearts to stone, life loses its luster. It is possible to trudge onward in this condition but it is impossible to reach new heights. We may deceive ourselves for a while that this is the best recourse but eventually we must face the realization that pushing love away does not lessen the pain we drag with us in life, it only numbs the ability to feel it for a while, weakening our souls until when we finally do again feel it, it is almost unbearable.

Emily Dickinson wrote a poem, "CONTRAST" that has followed me through life.

A door just opened on a street —

I, lost, was passing by —

An instant's width of warmth disclosed,

And wealth, and company.

The door as sudden shut, and I,

I, lost, was passing by, —

Lost doubly, but by contrast most,

Enlightening misery.

For a time I was that lost person my life a maze of cold winter streets, where I gazed at the falling snow lit only by street lamps walking through shadows, alone and scared with no place or person to turn to. 

I glimpsed others who had warm dining rooms with a plate, a glass, and flatware lovingly laid out for them beside others they cared about. I wanted it so much, my soul ached desperately for a safe place and people I loved, people who would love me in return. 

It took time, patience, and a lot of work but eventually I achieved friendships worth millions, was graciously given so much love I could spend lifetimes swimming in it, and now I often sit beside people who love me more than I could ever possibly deserve. 

It took decades of chasing the light, and seeking out the warmth and braving the acceptance of whatever crumbs and morsels came my way to get here. 

I've learned it's easy to pull shrouds of darkness over one's self and hide the light within, easy to let ice freeze our hearts until no warmth remains. It takes no courage or character. 

But if we do that, fear becomes our master and we chain ourselves to pain. 

To love until we exhaust ourselves, to fight to love even after we feel drained of love, our souls wrung dry, is the journey we must take to find our divine greatness.

Sometimes love must be from a distance, sometimes that love looks different than we ever imagined for love takes many shapes and disguises. Sometimes love is calling the cops when someone hits you, sometimes love is saying, "I don't forgive you and I can't let you be a part of my life anymore, but I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for."  

Love is the strength to say goodbye even when it hurts if it is what is best for that person because someone will always be alone if they never learn empathy or how to treat others, love is holding onto kindness even when it means holding your tongue, love is setting firm boundaries of how others are allowed to treat you, because above all you must love, cherish and protect yourself in order to be a light, a warmth in the lives of others. 

If we lose ourselves in our efforts to love others we lose our ability to truly love them. So above all hang onto your happiness. Hang on to your worth. Hang onto your dreams and greatness. You are so amazing, and if you haven't already discovered how brightly you shine, you will. Just keep chasing the light and letting in good things when they come. The contrast may hurt when the blows of loss knock you down but get up and keep trudging onwards bravely!

You will get your heart's desire if you refuse to give up even when it seems as though it is impossible. 

Here are some books to help you get there: