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I was today years old when I found out I had multiple personalities.

I was today years old when I found out I have/had multiple personalities.

Why did it take so long when I was diagnosed 18 years ago?



Google wasn't a thing when I was seventeen and Doctor Fife, my once upon a time psychologist, said I had Disassociative Identity. He explained it as the ability to cut off emotions from trauma.

Apparently, D.I.D. has never been cured but from my experience it was. I guess it is kind of like when an alcoholic hasn't had a drink in fifteen years is still considered an alcoholic? IDK.

Last night I should have gotten home and gone straight to bed but of course, habit drew me to my computer to check on a few things and at three A.M. I found myself clicking a link to a youtube video on Disassociative Identity because despite having lived with it my entire life I've never had anyone else to compare my situation with.

Luckily my case is very mild. I'm someone who doesn't have full-on blackout amnesia and my "alters" as the girl in the video likes to call the other sides of herself all have names that are derivatives of my name.

That's partly because when I was diagnosed, I asked Dr. Fife what I should do about it. He said I needed to work on self reintegration or as I like to call it, reclaiming the self.



What is it like for someone like me who only borders on the edge of having multiple personalities? Well, my trauma coping skills have reached level ninja for one. For two I still have times where I feel like I am watching myself but feel unable to control what "the body" is doing saying, or how "it" is acting.

Other people doing certain things can trigger this, so I tend to avoid triggers as much as possible. If I find someone who triggers "my crazy" repeatedly I cut them out of my life.

When I say "my crazy" I don't mean anything violent or psychotic, but rather whiny, weak, and needy or just sledgehammer tactless.

One of my alters says everything I feel like I can't or shouldn't and she says it in a "fuck off if you don't agree," manner. I call this alter MY bitch mode.

Using my and mode allow me to acknowledge that it is still part of me however different it is from "the me" I most want to be, it is still a part of myself.

When I was with David, he expressed he thought I had about twelve different personalities. I find this funny because he also told me I was boring.

I guess all my "parts" as I prefer to call 'them' are a bit more sane and stable than the recommended dose of crazy for drama and mayhem.



As I write this, a part of me is afraid to mention him by name and part of me is afraid to reveal this to you, my dear readers and friends. Yet to reclaim the self one must fully acknowledge emotions as they arise and to expose one's self without reserve is to be powerful. It is only what we hide that has power over us.

On the bright side of this though scientists believe D.I.D. is a mental superpower in a way. It allows one to learn other languages quickly and it can temporarily cure diseases and slow the progression of terminal conditions.


It is sort of amazing. So I guess bordering on that isn't too bad even if sometimes it seems as though I am watching myself from the back of a theater feeling as though I cannot stop myself from doing something my "front/main part" finds utterly embarrassing and doesn't want to do.

The video I clicked on:

D.I.D.


Books for understanding and living with D.I.D. 



     












Comments

  1. We've met a few of you over the years Ashley. I can truthfully say we loved them all. We even met your "bitch" on day outside an event but you were sweet and kind to us still. You know we always wish you peace!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Blogger is finally allowing me to comment! I want to thank you both so much for your kindness and encouragement over the years, you two are amazing!!!!

      Delete
  2. The comment above is from Carol and Doug Halfpenny... of course Blogger refused to recognize me. Maybe I'm not myself today!

    ReplyDelete

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