Loneliness

I've often viewed loneliness as a fault, as weak, pathetic and stupid. Not surprisingly it's something I haven't experienced often. Whenever I felt lonely I would doll myself up and go to Denny's or some other twenty-four-hour place to hang and meet people. I was never a girl who was afraid of being alone. I didn't jump from one relationship to the next. I was fine casually dating.

Now loneliness sits on my chest, tears clog my throat and my eyes burn. It isn't that I can't go out and meet people and casually date if I really wanted to. It would be an adventure and I'd meet lots of fascinating people.

Only I don't. I sit alone at night with Netflix and my dog letting loneliness's chill teeth bite down into my soul a little deeper. Fear holds me hostage. Fear of failing, fear of not being good enough, and fear of being hurt.

In the past three years since my husband left me for someone else I've become trapped in a web of guilt made by all the ways I failed him, failed myself and failed my marriage.

I did start falling for someone once afterwards, but the relationship was short-lived. He was too perfect. His quiet ways, his gentle understanding, and patience took my breath away. Of course, I failed and failed in every relationship since. Self-sabotage has been my bread and butter.

So here I sit with loneliness the world passing by while my wounds slowly heal. It seems sometimes as though it will take forever. Other times it seems as though I'm ready to take on the world and try again only each time I do the wounds tear open and I'm back at the beginning hoping, this time, I will truly be ready.

I try to make a friend of loneliness. We were once lovers. For a while, she kissed me to sleep. Then my hope faded and loneliness grew bitter. We fought and now it feels like we're enemies as she tries to strangle me. I know loneliness is not my enemy. Our true enemy is fear. Fear is what keeps us trapped, makes us bitter, and scares away hope.

I need to conquer my fear. I need to let go and relax, have fun. Only I'm not sure I know how. I've always been uptight and afraid. Growing up no one guessed how shy I was because in class I spoke up so passionately. It was the one place I felt safe.

I've never been drunk or partied. Men seldom seem to value that. So many times men end up in terrible relationships because "she was fun." It's the most important quality to them I guess.

Fun has never been high on my list of priorities. Fun for me is a well-written tv show, pulling weeds, reading or playing cards.

I don't need drugs or alcohol to lose control. Simple things get under my skin. Someone leaving the lights on for me or giving me a jacket when I'm cold, those things knock me on my ass.

Much of my life kindness was terribly absent and so when it happens it goes deep into my bones. I feel dizzy, weak and euphoric all at once. But then when it's gone it hurts twice as much as not having it at all and I feel crazy out of my mind and I don't know how to cope, so I shut down and turn off.

Apathy seals up my heart until I'm ready to put on a brave face and try again. Only this time my strength is weary. My pain a constant and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm not ready to try again.