At last, it was time to stop for the night. The hotel was the cheapest we could find.
Angie excited to be with her dad jumped from one bed to the next. I would be sleeping on the floor tonight. Alice was running out of pills and her anxiety was climbing. She and Angie would be taking the beds.
A knock came, the hotel clerk delivering the extra room cards I'd requested. Angie dived into hiding. Alex gently convinced her to come out.
Angie had been forced to hide for months. From neighbors, from cops, from the sun, and the carefree existence of childhood. My heart ached for her.
The trauma of the last few months and the excitement of being with her dad finally took its toll and she fell into a deep sleep.
At last, I could ask Alex about what happened at the courthouse.
Angie's grandmother accused Alex of vile perverted acts begging the court not to return Angie to her father. Angie's social worker took the stand denying the false claims and insisted it was in Angie's best interest to be returned to her father.
I understood then why Alex wanted Angie to have a bed to herself, why he'd been eager to put Indiana in the rearview mirror and why a guard stood outside the door during the ordeal.
It seemed the journey was about done and my small part in it over. As sleep eluded me I wondered about my future.
Was it finally time to settle down and buy a home? Or was it time to care for my sister's family? I'd heard my brother-in-law was ill and since my sister died they'd been struggling.
Only I hadn't been invited directly by him or his children to come... I didn't want to invade their lives. Despite the guilt trips I'd been getting for months while I cared for Alex in his sorrow.
When I at last slept morning came too quickly and another long drive awaited us. We had breakfast at Angie's favorite diner. We stopped at a gas station that doubled as a tourist attraction and felt like a mall. It was one of the largest truck stops in the country.
We bought Angie souvenirs and then got back on the road but when night came luck ran out.
Alex's suburban broke down. Our cell phones dying as we made calls Angie grew anxious. Alex's phone was the first to die. He'd been letting Angie play games on it during the drive.
Mine was about to be next but then as I searched my purse for my last string cheese, (yes I'm weird) I saw the external battery pack a wonderful life-saving friend gave me.
I reached out on Facebook for some nearby angel to help us. Ben Newcomb answered. The sign ahead read ten miles to Cheyenne. He was on his way.
The sign was a liar. We were ten miles out of Cheyenne but not the one we thought. We weren't even in Wyoming!
Did you know there's a Cheyenne County Nebraska?!
Despite the several hours of mixup and inconvenience Ben Newcomb still boldly did what no one should ever have to do for someone they barely know ever again.
I should have triple-checked our local before sending out the S.O.S. I felt terrible as midnight came and went and we waited for our savior to arrive.
I distracted Angie from worrying with a retelling of Marissa Meyer's Cinder. Lunars and cyborgs, oh my.
When Ben arrived it was after two in the morning. Ben was so sweet about the mixup but that just made my guilt mount and nerves snap.
I paid for his hotel room it was the least I could do. I wanted to do more but ever since going into hiding money had been tight and taking time off work for this trip made it even tighter.
Alex had taken on the brunt of the expenses and friends of his donated what they could but when his means were scarce I'd put money into bringing Angie home too.
The trip was costing a small fortune but I knew it was worth it. Every time I looked at Angie joy radiated like sunshine and Alex he was no longer the broken shell he'd been after she was taken.
After that night though Angie started clinging onto me. She however couldn't call me Ashley as that was too close to her mother's name Ashlae.
I asked her what she wanted my name to be and was renamed Cupcake.
It took a day for Alex's suburban to get fixed. I spent the morning trying to be the larger than life version of myself I felt I owed Ben.
Looking back that larger-than-life version of myself was not that great and I wish I would have just been me.
Once Ben was gone I let myself relax a little. Angie and Alex were playing. I refereed them but soon Angie was drawing me into the game.
"Help Cupcake!" And with Angie's exclamation, it took less than a half-second for the game to turn into Angie and Cupcake against Daddy Monster.
With how I'd gotten help to come, taken charge, among other things Angie began to lean on me, bond with me. It wasn't something I expected but knowing she needed as much support as she could get to recover from the trauma I didn't stop it from happening.
Perhaps if I'd known what was coming I would have...
We made it back and Alex needed someone to care for Angie while he went to work. I agreed to stay until he could figure things out.
At first, Angie was reluctant to leave the apartment but Messy needed walked. It took patience and several meltdowns once we were out but eventually, Angie began to recover. A week passed and another. Soon she began to enjoy our walks.
Weeks turned into months and as I cared for Angie and helped Alex a precious awareness came. It was as though someone were speaking to me, "No greater love has no man than this than he who would lay down his life for a friend."
While my part of Angie's story eventually ended on a note I wish could be changed I cannot help but be grateful for the experience of learning my ability to love was not as broken as I'd once thought.
I gave up my old life to care for Alex and then sacrificed more to bring Angie home.
It was all worth it, despite the pain that would come later. Pain I didn't handle the way I should have for Angie's sake.
Years of trauma in my life taught me to walk away and never look back but I abandoned a traumatized little girl who needed me and that is something I'm not proud of and may never forgive myself for though even now my mind runs through the list of justifications and reasonings, I will not rationalize it away.
I am far from perfect, I have to accept that, but this blog is the end of that chapter in my life that I will share publicly, and my deep regret is why it has taken me so long to write it. I wanted the ending to change and be different than it was I wanted there to be more to the story but my cowardice and pain avoidance let years pass until the damage it did cemented in my relationship with Angie breaking it apart.
I am far from perfect, I have to accept that, but this blog is the end of that chapter in my life that I will share publicly, and my deep regret is why it has taken me so long to write it. I wanted the ending to change and be different than it was I wanted there to be more to the story but my cowardice and pain avoidance let years pass until the damage it did cemented in my relationship with Angie breaking it apart.
What a sad story. Though Angie was reunited with her Dad, she will probably have mental scars and trust issues for life. No telling how things will play out when she hits adolescence. Hopefully her experience will make her stronger. I wish them peace and happiness.
ReplyDeleteThank you Dave!
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