No Greater Love: Pt. 2

For part one please visit: https://ashrienlives.blogspot.com/2019/08/no-greater-love.html

We sat in the hotel room whispering excitedly about what the next day would bring, we discussed the last few months.

Alex couldn't wait to spoil Angie rotten. As he talked about make-up-day and trips to seven eleven on payday, I thought about a long-ago lost love I reached out to after Angie disappeared.

Lee grew up in the drug world, he went to prison and became a high ranking member of the eighty-eight, a white supremacist group. We'd gotten back in touch a few months prior to Angie's disappearance, but knowing how he felt about child exploitation and his extensive contacts I went to see him in person.

Skilled with computers he conducted a search on the dark web looking for Angie. Each day he brought back no results. Each day Lee called his contacts across the country in the drug game looking for a lead. The members of the eighty-eight put out the word on Angie's disappearance.

      

Then he too disappeared. I assumed he went back to prison. He'd spent the better part of the last twenty years there. He said if he ever went back in, he didn't think he'd be coming out.

It hurt to see a man who was so sweet and kind to me when I was sixteen become the hardened racist criminal he was when got out of prison the first time.

A new friend got word to the Texas Rangers and the California Sheriff's department. Another friend got in touch with a few military units stateside.

I blasted facebook, tagging contacts, put up a reward on one of the missing children sites. There wasn't anything I wasn't willing to do to bring Angie home.

Missing children foundations put out flyers and blasted online forums. The police followed an endless roller coaster of dead-end leads.

Most of all though there was a mass wave of empathy. People from all over the United States got involved sharing the post on facebook and other social sites.

After all the efforts, hopes raised and crushed, ups, and downs were over. In the morning Angie would, at last, be safe.

It took me setting my foot down and the exhaustion of the last few days but Alex managed to get a few hours of sleep.

Through the night I dreamed of loves lost, of Hawk, of Lee, of Jeremy, of Justin and of dreams shattered and buried, but mostly I dreamed of a crying little girl lost and alone in a swirling mist of darkness.

Before any alarms went off, we were all awake with time to spare.

When we got to the courthouse we learned one of us would have to stay back.  On the journey, I brought Messy, a six-pound bossy poodle. Everything happened too quickly to find a sitter but dogs, even emotional support dogs were not allowed inside the government building.

Alice stepped up to the plate so I could go in and support Alex, come what may. I joked that I was his emotional support animal.

Once inside they had us wait in a common area. Alex's eyes didn't move from the spot where Angie would be entering. We sat talking quietly, the people around us were tense.

Alex held my hand squeezing it at times. "It's finally happening," I would say watching him almost vibrate in his chair with excitement.

Alex in the middle of a word was suddenly gone. As I blinked he made it across the giant room to the top of the stairs. He was kneeling down in front of a tiny timid creature wearing a backpack holding onto another's hand.

I couldn't understand the hesitation of the child... Maybe it wasn't Angie. Had Alex been mistaken. I could barely see the top of her head from sitting down so it was possible.

Then she was hugging him. Hugging him so tight it was as though she would never let go again. For seven months these two had been apart. I hung back watching, not wanting to intrude on the precious reunion.

We'd planned for me to record this long-awaited moment but phones and cameras were not allowed in the courthouse. So I stood there awkward and uncomfortable watching their love for each other burst out of their bodies, their faces.

         

It was extraordinary.

They let go a little from the tightest hug. Tears poured down Alex's cheeks. Holding onto Angie with one hand he kept wiping the tears away from beneath his glasses with the other but more tears quickly cascaded down. His face was nearly covered by the waterfall. Angie ran her finger through Alex's beard, examining it as one might a UFO.

She kept looking from the beard to his face as though uncertain this was really her father.

"Do you like it?"Alex asked taking her hands in his.

Angie hesitated, "Um, I guess so," she said in a tone that remained uncertain.

The social worker, a beautiful black woman with a clipboard beamed at them. "Angie, why don't you tell your daddy about your tooth.

Angie grinned peeling apart her lips extra wide. There on the bottom in front was an empty spot. "I lost it last night playing with one of the other kids," she said as though it wasn't a heart-wrenching moment for Alex who lost out on a huge first for her.

Alex's face held the tragedy behind the smile of finally being with his little girl again.

Turning to the Social worker Angie looked up with big brown eyes that at that moment reminded me of Messy when I was holding a treat she wanted. "Did you bring it?"

I was confused. The social worker smiled, "I think it's in your bag, Angie."

Angie took off a silky red backpack then she and the social worker searched for something. I looked at Alex, but his eyes were on Angie.

He had the look of someone witnessing a miracle, as though he were afraid he was dreaming. I thought about pinching him, but the moment of surrealism deserved to be held onto. So few of those moments in life.

Out of the backpack came a ziplock bag. It seemed empty but both the social worker and Angie had huge smiles of success. I looked closer. Inside was a tiny tooth.  Angie was chattering away about saving it for daddy, but we were beginning to create a blockade. More people were in line to be processed. I could tell the social worker was noticing too but she was far too polite to say anything.

"Hi Angie, I'm your daddy's friend Ashley," I uncomfortably inserted myself into the situation. "your daddy missed you so much." Those were the words I'd waited six months to say. I wanted Angie to know she was loved and missed before I said anything else.

Angie didn't seem to know what to say or how to respond, so after looking at me like I was speaking a foreign language, she turned away ignoring me to focus on her dad.

Angie said something to Alex I couldn't hear because the cacophony around us increased volume. He took her hands in his and said "Yeah she helped me out while you were gone, sweetie.

While she was gone, Alex shared stories about Angie's propinquity for hugging. How she would suddenly run up and hug strangers in the supermarket.

Not knowing what Angie went through I didn't know what to expect. She looked at me suspiciously and held onto her father's hands tighter. Her knuckles turned a little white.

"Alex, why don't we go sit down?" I asked, the crowd now thoroughly surrounding us.

The social worker stepped forward. "Actually, I have some papers for you to sign, while we wait for the attorney assigned to this case to arrive. We can go into that room over there," she motioned to her right.

Alex followed the social worker in a daze his gaze never leaving the top of Angie's head and Angie kept glancing up at him with a face splitting grin and then where she was going. She was tall for a seven-year-old and probably tripped a lot I thought as I followed. It was a good thing she was looking where they were going because Alex definitely wasn't.

We got into a bare room with a table and chairs. It was depressing but I don't think anyone but me noticed the faded blue so dirty it was nearly brown carpet or the poorly painted grey-white concrete block walls, nor the buzz and flickering of fluorescent lights that made it feel like a prison.

Alex and Angie were both on cloud nine from just being together and the social worker her brain was too full of forms and what to do and how glad she was to have a happy ending when so often her job was filled with tragedy to notice much else.

As she went over things, Angie having missed her dad didn't want to share his attention with her, even if it was to explain documents releasing custody of her from the state to Alex.

Alex was beginning to look confused and overwhelmed. His eyes had the look of a deer in the headlights.

"Hey Angie," I said again feeling like the act of speaking was stepping in a fresh cow patty, "Your daddy needs to focus for just a little bit. Why don't you tell me about the kids you were playing with last night?"

Angie looked at me a little bit of annoyance crossing her expression and then at Alex and the social worker.

"Yeah sweetie, just give me a second to take care of this," Alex said his hand affectionately caressing the back of her head.

Angie turned to me, "Well there was Billy, he's who I was playing with when I lost my tooth. There was I don't know the names of bigger kids  and some little ones, not babies but almost babies and two babies."

"Did you like Billy?" I asked.

"Uh, yeah I guess," Angie shrugged, "At least until he pushed me. That's how I lost my tooth."

I saw a glimmer of rage in Alex's eyes.

"Was it already loose?" I asked wondering if I too ought to be outraged.

Angie opened her mouth poking her tongue through the gap and picking her nose. "Ya." She shrugged glanced over at Alex impatient for him to be done. "I guess I still like Billy... a little."

"Why did he shove you?" I wondered if she'd done something to Billy first.

"It was an accident. We were playing and he tripped and shoved me then I tripped and hit a wall and lost my tooth."

I held back a laugh. Alex finished with the social worker.

"I'll point out your attorney when he arrives." She said.

Alex thanked her and we walked back to seats that were now taken. We found new seats. I sat two seats away from Alex and Angie so they could have a little bit of together just them space. Angie, it turned out was a monkey, at times, sitting on her dad's head and yanking on his beard because she wasn't sure it was real or him or because she missed the way her dad looked before or perhaps because it represented all the time they spent apart and she didn't like the reminder.

Alex asked her if she liked his beard, Angie paused looking at him. Eventually she shrugged a shoulder and in a high pitched voice, "Uh, yeah I guess."

It was easy to see she was lying trying to make her dad happy.

Before we got called up to go into the courtroom though she changed her mind about lying and decided to tell her dad she didn't like it. Of course, that may have been because she tried to use it to swing off of and Alex snapped at her for it after she did it something like the tenth time and his face was red and nearly bleeding by then.

The lawyer arrived and we went into a playroom for him and Alex to discuss details. While they talked Angie checked out all the toys and I switched between her world of child wonderment and the pressing requirements of adult priorities.

I tried to take in as much as I could. With everything Alex was going through, it didn't seem very likely he would remember much aside from the sound of Angie's voice, the look of joy on her face and how much she'd grown. The lawyer mostly repeated what the social worker said with a few caveats regarding the case against Ashlea and her grandmother.

Before I was certain I had everything we were being pushed out the door. Worrying about Alex's face and Angie's mental state I asked if it was okay if Angie took a toy to play with while we waited. The lawyer said it should be alright as long as we gave it back after. I assured him the toy would be returned.

Angie wanted to spend all day deciding which one so I made her a deal that if she chose within ten seconds she could borrow two. She hopped to it.

Angie played with the toys involving not just Alex but me as well in her games with them. She was still wary and uncertain of me and different from the child Alex described but she seemed to be warming up.

I restrained myself from wrapping my arms around her and trying to hug out all the bad she'd been through.

At last, it was time to go into the courtroom, by now four hours had passed. The first two with just Alex and I, the next two with Angie. I was beginning to feel starved and ready to eat out of a garbage if there were any food in it.

      

We waited with others with similar cases to be let in when Alex's face went white and his mouth opened as though he were trying to gasp for air but no sound came out. The social worker turned and her expression changed from nice and happy to confusion and horror. Another social worker she'd been standing with leaned toward the one we knew, "SHE wasn't supposed to be here."

Our social worker took a moment to shake off momentary paralysis. Her eyes were wide with panic. "I know, we can't let her in there."

I looked at them both and then at Alex. Questions spun in my mind. Why did they bring Angie here if she wasn't supposed to be here?  What was going on? Did they expect that we would have stashed Angie in the hotel by now?

"Can you watch her?" Our social worker hurriedly asked the other.

"No, I have to be in there on another case."

I looked at the two women and then again at Alex. He looked ready to vomit.

Not sure what I was getting myself into I volunteered. "I can watch Angie if she's not supposed to be in there."

The social workers looked at Alex fear and hope in their eyes.

He swallowed.

I paused, despite everything I'd done for Alex after everything we'd been through together... maybe he wouldn't trust me with Angie.

"Um... if that's okay with you?" I asked him.

Did he really think I would take Angie away from him after I'd seen everything he'd went through? After I'd been the one to pick up the pieces of his shattered soul? Was he really still so broken?

"Yes. Please. Thank you. Um.." He turned to the social workers, "Is that alright?"

"Yes." They simultaneously released the breaths they'd been holding.

Just as a plan of action was agreed to, up came a very large floral patterned out of breath older woman. I could tell from the way she smelled she struggled to control her diabetes and that inside her enormous purse were enough sugary and protein snacks to feed an army.  She pushed passed Alex and the social workers without a glance. She seemed utterly determined in some way. They watched her as she passed not saying anything.

Angie looked up and just before the lady entered the courtroom, Angie was running headlong to her. "Grammy!" Angie squealed with delight.

As Angie flattened her arms in what would have been an embrace if it wasn't more of a wall she was trying to hug. The woman looked down at her with tenderness and then she looked up and gave Alex a look of anger and disgust.

Battle lines were drawn. Something I was unaware of was going on. Something that threatened everything.

The social workers' mouths tightened. They wanted to say things, they wanted to warn Alex, but Angie was there and they couldn't.

Alex called Angie back to him, she obeyed but with the reluctance of a child torn in two.

Baffled and concerned, I followed a courtroom guard back to the toy room with Angie in tow. She walked with her head down and quiet. Despite not knowing me and wanting to be with her dad and Grammie, she didn't fight.

Once we got into the room she played quietly for a few minutes I pulled out a toy and began playing with her knowing that toys and pretend are often how children process trauma.

I was wracking my brain trying to remember everything from my courses in child development and child psychology trying to remember anything that might help her through the next however long we were here.

Soon Angie was opening up, testing her boundaries with me. I let her get a little wild, climbing on the boxes of paper and jumping off into my arms. I knew the people outside wouldn't appreciate it but Angie needed to let out some tension.

Once I was thoroughly scolded by one of the workers of the building, Angie and I sat on the floor playing with the toys when she suddenly stopped playing and looked up at me with eyes that were far too serious and far too full of the pain brought by experience. "Will you be my new mommy?" she asked in a tone far graver than most adults will ever know. It was a tone that said don't mess with me, don't lie to me, don't coddle me.

"Your daddy and I are just friends sweetie, why do you ask?"

She looked down at the floor running her toy back and forth over the dingy blue carpet that probably had anthrax from some farmer's shoes on it.

"Mommy said if I ever saw daddy again, I wouldn't have a mommy anymore." Her tone was flat. Her face was lifeless, her expression dead.

My heart broke quietly in my chest. My eyes burned ready to spill and my throat choked with tears and then I was mad and wanted to punch Ashlea for the mental manipulations and abuse she'd done. I wanted to punch her so hard her eyes fell out so she could never see Angie again.

I forced myself to calm down. I swallowed the rage, the tears, the burning need to react in every way. "Your mommy is still your mommy sweetie."

I didn't know what I could say, what I should say so I went with the truth. "Your mommy did something very bad taking you away, and it's true you won't be able to spend time alone with her but she's still your mom.

Angie studied my face carefully. Angie looked for lies. Angie was far too young to have so much pain and distrust.

She resumed playing. I don't know what she read in my face but whatever it was made her far more relaxed than she'd been.

Inwardly I hoped I did the right thing. I hoped Alex wouldn't hate me for it.

That night I would discover just how big of a mistake I'd made.



Thanks for reading! For Part Three please hit the subscribe button! And consider buying from any of the links on my blog to support my writing! Your time and attention are appreciated! If you know anyone my blog can help feel free to share!