"Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?"

Okay, maybe I've become too much of a hermit and too picky since my last relationship about a year ago. My neighbor's friend is now teasing me about the lack of men or man in my life. I'd like to tell him he's wrong, but in the last year I've gone out on less dates than I have fingers on one hand. I just haven't been that interested in the guys I've met. 

Mostly I just don't feel like there is much point to dating or relationships anymore. 

While there is currently a guy who thinks I walk on water and who calls everyday, he lives almost 2 hours away and so while it's nice, we've had one date, haven't kissed and I'm completely okay with that. 

Right now what most excites me are a few set goals I have. I feel excited about the days where I make $1200 or make progress in some other way. I want to get back to writing and I want to get a degree and I want to build my residuals up high enough to live on without working so I can focus on writing and getting a degree. 

And then there's this thing where I'm just not sure I'm the kind of person anyone should ever be with. 

All my studies into relationship psychology made me keenly aware of how I am not a good partner. 

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As a mostly Island personality type (term from PsyD, MFT, Neuropsychologist Stan Tatkin) I can leave my partner feeling alone and hurt because I just don't need the same level of connection most people enjoy. I tend to feel smothered by it. I avoid intimate eye contact and pull away from a partner who initiates contact more than I do. 

When I break down these days I seldom let anyone ever see it or be there for me. The exceptions to that are Sam, M, and my neighbor but this year I've found reasons to pull away from Sam and M too. Reasons I feel like I'm bad for them. 

So I'm working on myself trying to get out the kinks but I'm not sure it's worth it. I love who I am and making myself vulnerable and open... I'm not sure even a great relationship is worth doing that. 

I feel so strong, emotionally stable, happy, so what's the point in risking all that? I'm already in love, I have fallen head over heels in love with being alive and I am loved, maybe not in the way of boy meets girl, but by a much broader spectrum of friends. 

Around me so many people are miserable, in unhappy marriages or discarded by the person they adored, or in a state of temporary happy where you can almost see the rain cloud of hammers about to open and shatter their whole world. 

I want to believe I'm open to love if the fairy tale is really out there but I think if prince charming knocked on my door with a guarantee of forever I would probably send him away and that's not fair to anyone. 

So how do we weigh the risk vs the reward of relationships? Is it an at cost vs return basis? What makes relationships worth it?

I know for men they get a few extra years of life if they have a partner but women tend to die sooner if they are married than if they are single. 

Sometimes I wonder if it's healthy to break down walls and let others in. If it is I think a little at a time is the best bet. We deserve to protect our precious hearts. We deserve to be cautious in testing out our compatibility with another. 

I've jumped heart first and been burned. I've jumped in with no heart and let things ride not really caring about the outcome and been left empty. 

I keep hoping I can do that friends first thing, but men don't seem to be interested in having me as just a friend and eventually taking things slow. It's usually all of me or none of me and I feel like I have to make my partner happy at my expense for the relationship to work, and I end up in relationships where I'm miserable and it's my own fault but I can't seem to change it. 

So again I think, I'm better off single even if it means I get teased.

A Parent's Nightmare

It was supposed to be an ordinary day, but a feeling something was going to go horribly wrong kept me awake the night before. I waited six months, because the first time they mentioned the routine procedure and the risks I knew my daughter was going to end up dead, or brain damaged. I thought I'd waited long enough. After six months I believed things would be ok. I told myself to relax and stop being paranoid. I shouldn't have. The anesthesiologist with tears in his eyes told me, "I'm not going to lie, she's not doing good. This is the worst day of my career." He was thinking of his career while my little girl was fighting for her life!? He felt bad so I said simply, "I know you tried your best," wondering if my happy sweet little girl would ever smile at me again. There was no point in making a scene. It wouldn't save her. It might kill her. I had to step back and breathe. I needed to focus on giving her all the love a

A Girl Can Dream, Right?

Preparing for the cruise, a whirlwind of excitement and anticipation courses through my veins. Amidst sapphire waves and ocean skies, I'm eager to meet with my teammates, especially one sexy beast I've been mentoring late at night, a little too often. A single man secure enough in his masculinity to be sponsored by a woman he'd never met, it was more likely I'd win the lottery but it happened! Men that secure, are as rare as a million dollars popping out of thin air! Finding one man who would just listen to my dream let alone believe in it and share it, up until him has been impossible... yeah I'm ready to go past first base and then some! As I finish packing, I can't help but indulge in a few tantalizing semi erotic fantasies. From our first conversation, strategizing his path to success, I was completely intoxicated by him. After months of working together, I'm still feeling an undeniable connection that has nothing to do with business. His confidence

Dreaming of Death

I dreamed I died, my usable organs were donated, and the rest of me was fed to the birds. I requested before I died, those who received my organs would gather once a year to celebrate my daughter's birthday. I dreamed pieces of my flesh were sent out to wildlife sanctuaries around the world. I dreamed each year, I could see my daughter with my eyes and she could feel my love surrounding her. I dreamed I soared with eagles, dove into the sea with the ospreys, and traveled the world in ecstasy. Gradually, I felt myself fading away into the darkness. My daughter's birthday came again. I lived in her smile and warmth. Like a brilliant sun, she brought life back to the surface. My essence swirled around her, through her. She became my home. I lived in her joy, in her peace I rested. Trees grew from the soil marked with remnants of my flesh, I felt the sun on their leaves, and I felt the cool rich soil bathing their roots. I felt myself in rivers flowing free and wild, splashing

Ashley Needles

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