Faith, Hope and CRAZY.

Is it faith or delusional to believe things are going to be okay? We all go through hard times. Most of us have tragedies we try to make sense of. Sometimes things don't make sense and sometimes things don't turn out okay.

I once believed that every terrible thing I went through with a determined goodness of character would someday be rewarded or compensated. It was a coping mechanism.

As a child, I believed the sexual and physical abuse I endured would be rewarded with an incredible soul mate. I was highly aware of the terrible marriage between my parents and knew not everyone got the fairytale happily ever after in life.

I believed wholeheartedly I would though.

But things didn't quite turn out that way. (For those of you who don't already know: abusive marriage and etc.)

Still, I was excited when I turned thirty-five. I thought now bad things were over because I would no longer be in the prime age range for sexual assaults. Unfortunately, I was again disappointed.

I've come to realize I've spent my entire life delusionally optimistic. This realization sent me down a dark train of thought.

Was I being punished for something I did in a past life? Did God or the Universe or whatever just hate me? Maybe I was created to suffer? Questions spun as I tried to do the algebra of balancing the equation and solve for Y.

Y= Why?

Y did bad things keep happening? Y was my house broken into days before yet another assault? Y was I having such a hard time getting through the red tape in my new state so I could get back to working and fulfill some meaningful obligations?

I wanted there to be a reason. I wanted it to be more than just insane chaos. I wanted it to be something I could change or fix so bad things would stop happening so loved ones would stop dying, Art, my sisters Heather, Julie, and Patsy, as well as Heather Long an almost sister, and so many more...

Why? Because I needed to learn I'm not in control? Because something good is on its way? Because I need to be punished?

Eventually, after hours of crying to M yet again, and a few more hours of self-torture remembering every bad thing about myself I let go.

I am not perfect. On bad days I've lost patience and snapped at people. I've more often than not forgotten to see things from another's point of view, but I'm human.

I will never be perfect no matter how desperately I try to be every day all day and I will never understand why no matter how hard I try to be good and perfect the reason bad things keep happening.

So upon realizing I've spent my entire life being delusionally optimistic I decided to keep being delusionally optimistic.

Some might call it faith, others, a positive attitude. Not one for sugar coating self-reflection I call it what it is, a coping mechanism.

A positive, life-affirming delusion, but it doesn't matter that I'm choosing to be unrealistic and delusional believing things will get better, because, from everything I've read, that's where the greatest success stories always begin.

Great businesses are started by people with unfounded faith in their ideas. Great changes are made by people unwilling to give up on the idea that things can get better.

So "I have a dream..." and hopefully, I won't be shot for it. I will continue to dream that my life will get better and easier and believe that things that happen will be for the best eventually.

It may mean that I am denying the evidence and out of touch with reality and therefore crazy, but I'm good with that because it keeps me from curling into a ball and tearing my hair out all the other days of the year.

So if you need to believe things will get better, if you need to believe things happen for a reason, if you need to be a little crazy and out of touch with reality I just want you to know you're not alone and it's okay to be a little crazy if it helps you smile and love others.

As always thanks for reading, and if you have a moment to click the like I would appreciate it! Also if you feel like doing some online shopping now please click any of the links from this blog it helps support my writing.

Lots of love!

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Ashley Needles

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