Still an abuser? Test the Water!

Why would anyone deliberately provoke a known abuser?

Well, he wanted to talk and after six years of trying to get a divorce I wanted to know if that was a healthy productive option, so I gave some helpful advice that the person I once knew would respond to with extreme rage because it brought up not so great actions on his part.

Here's what I said that began the onslaught of email abuse:

"If you want to save your relationship with P. whom you committed bigamy for, then trying to speak to me is a bad idea."

I meant: "obviously you love her enough to commit an international felony so please stop asking me to talk so you can save that relationship," but I stated it in a way that didn't romanticize the facts.

I was sincerely trying to be helpful but I also wanted to know if talking to this person would be healthy or not at this point.

With an abuser, anything can set them off. Was he still an abuser? I needed to know.

By doing that one thing I got my answer.

If you are wondering if you should or should not engage in contact with an abusive ex I highly recommend this method of testing out the waters first.

You don't have to be mean, you don't have to be condescending but you do need to know before you give that person greater access to your life if their abusive patterns have continued.

Right now my ex doesn't have my phone number and is blocked from my social media accounts and after his enraged response I know that keeping that distance and those boundaries are still and probably always will be a necessity for me.

But it's also important to remember that sometimes, very rarely but it does happen that people change and when they do they need love and support.

While I suggest giving that from a distance and keeping anyone who has abused you at arms' length, I do suggest doing your best to support those who do sincerely change even if it is from a distance.

 

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