Too Long for a Post on Facebook.

I'm in a mood to rant. So bear with me or you know, throw your device on the floor and use it as a trampoline (kidding just click away.)

Things guys have said that pissed me off lately and made me laugh:

1. That I need to act stupid and hide my intelligence so he, "Toxic Masculinity," could feel smart.

2. That because I'm a nurturer I need to get used to not being heard or having my needs met. We'll call this guy "The New Sexist Narcissist."

3. A very long tirade about how I should go to bed with a guy's friend because he was showing interest. Most of the tirade was directed at a certain piece of my anatomy.

My name for this guy is not appropriate to say publicly, I had tons of fun going full mode WICKED WITCH on him though, and he later apologized, so his name is not quite written in stone.

4. There's more, a lot more, but some of it I'm just not comfortable sharing because of those who are apparently stalking my wall these days.

Yes WE, me and the voices in my head!

On the bright side, I'm almost back to me. I'm almost able to hang out with guys again and not be completely insane. Despite the triggers, I was able to continue being my best self. I didn't talk down to or lash out at anyone who didn't "deserve it."

So I'm pretty dang proud of myself.

On the downside, I did start liking someone, but he blew me off twice so I guess that's done.

On the flip side, I guess because I'm not looking for a relationship or to even date really... I'm getting inundated with people who want to spend time with me.

I think partly it's because lately, I've actually been able to be a fairly good listener.

For a while, that part of me was shut down. Now that it's opening up again people are drawn to it.

It's kind of nice to see my old self emerging but it does kind of scare the tar out of me.

That old self was more concerned with other people's happiness than being safe and while I love that, I've been down that road and it's bumpy, at times beautiful and ended with me falling off a cliff into the proverbial pits of hell.

And I just don't want to do that again.

My biggest problem was putting people on pedestals and believing everyone deserved the absolute most I could possibly give them.

I ignored reason and sense to be kind. Now I'm holding my boundaries with love but my boundaries are still pretty dang flimsy, to the point I almost took off at four this morning to try and make someone else happy.

Luckily his phone was stolen before he could press any more for me to go hang out. (There was a party going on.)

Anyway, it's a balancing act I want to traverse with grace but unfortunately, I'm more or less going at it like an untrained clown trying to juggle flaming knives while riding a unicycle on a tightrope over a pit of poisonous snakes.

No wonder I spent the last five years in almost complete solitude allowing in only a few very trusted people. I'm terrible at this whole interacting with humans thing.

My current plan of action, reading a book to help me get better at the boundary thing. It's by Wayne Dywer whom I haven't read since I was twelve and hoped his book "Real Magic" was from another dimension and would teach me the kind of stuff one might learn in Hogwarts.

Mostly, I really wanted a spell to summon a pet dragon. I was incredibly disappointed but looking back it's probably a good thing since there's a good chance I would have gotten the spell wrong and would have ended up dragon lunch instead of dragon master and hey it did give me some cool tools I've used in life.

Book I'm Reading Now

The book that WON'T teach you to summon dragons

A Parent's Nightmare

It was supposed to be an ordinary day, but a feeling something was going to go horribly wrong kept me awake the night before. I waited six months, because the first time they mentioned the routine procedure and the risks I knew my daughter was going to end up dead, or brain damaged. I thought I'd waited long enough. After six months I believed things would be ok. I told myself to relax and stop being paranoid. I shouldn't have. The anesthesiologist with tears in his eyes told me, "I'm not going to lie, she's not doing good. This is the worst day of my career." He was thinking of his career while my little girl was fighting for her life!? He felt bad so I said simply, "I know you tried your best," wondering if my happy sweet little girl would ever smile at me again. There was no point in making a scene. It wouldn't save her. It might kill her. I had to step back and breathe. I needed to focus on giving her all the love a

A Girl Can Dream, Right?

Preparing for the cruise, a whirlwind of excitement and anticipation courses through my veins. Amidst sapphire waves and ocean skies, I'm eager to meet with my teammates, especially one sexy beast I've been mentoring late at night, a little too often. A single man secure enough in his masculinity to be sponsored by a woman he'd never met, it was more likely I'd win the lottery but it happened! Men that secure, are as rare as a million dollars popping out of thin air! Finding one man who would just listen to my dream let alone believe in it and share it, up until him has been impossible... yeah I'm ready to go past first base and then some! As I finish packing, I can't help but indulge in a few tantalizing semi erotic fantasies. From our first conversation, strategizing his path to success, I was completely intoxicated by him. After months of working together, I'm still feeling an undeniable connection that has nothing to do with business. His confidence

Dreaming of Death

I dreamed I died, my usable organs were donated, and the rest of me was fed to the birds. I requested before I died, those who received my organs would gather once a year to celebrate my daughter's birthday. I dreamed pieces of my flesh were sent out to wildlife sanctuaries around the world. I dreamed each year, I could see my daughter with my eyes and she could feel my love surrounding her. I dreamed I soared with eagles, dove into the sea with the ospreys, and traveled the world in ecstasy. Gradually, I felt myself fading away into the darkness. My daughter's birthday came again. I lived in her smile and warmth. Like a brilliant sun, she brought life back to the surface. My essence swirled around her, through her. She became my home. I lived in her joy, in her peace I rested. Trees grew from the soil marked with remnants of my flesh, I felt the sun on their leaves, and I felt the cool rich soil bathing their roots. I felt myself in rivers flowing free and wild, splashing

Ashley Needles

Search This Blog