A Look in the Mirror.

Discovering ways to love myself.

Number One: Sometimes I hurt with the loneliness but am no longer willing to be in a relationship just because it's there and distracts me from my problems.

Learning to love what's inside the mess I am now isn't always easy. Some days I feel overcome with ordinariness. I want to be special... like Buffy or a Halliwell or instead of saving the world maybe just having a wonderous gift like being able to sing well enough people want to listen.

I always felt separate from others, on the outside looking in. When I try to socialize I feel like I'm a monstrously disfigured creature oozing a noxious smell.

Growing up I felt diseased and didn't want people to be around me because I was afraid I was a typhoid Mary of sorts. I worried the darkness inside might in some way infect and mar the incredible beauty of others.

My first time in therapy I worked hard to overcome those beliefs.

Now I don't slit my wrists to feel real or try to cut out whatever it is that's wrong with me. I've made progress.

When I look in the mirror I see average height, average hair color, average eyes. Just a disguise? Or is that me?

The mirror doesn't reflect the emotional scars of the battles I fought to get here. It doesn't show the burns from walking through fire. Everyone has pain and scars hiding. It doesn't make me special.

But there must be something beautiful hiding inside I have yet to discover. So I'm working on that. I'm working on finding the beauty of my soul.

I once thought freckles and ordinary was disgusting to look at, but I've learned to feel a little pretty when I look in the mirror. Because of therapy, I spent time appreciating my body, looking for what I liked instead of what I didn't. I made friends with the mirror.

Loneliness is the mirror for my soul. In my twenties, I finally stopped feeling like something the CDC needed to burn and began to feel ordinary.

Today I struggle to find a tiny bit of something extraordinary inside. It's a journey, of voice lessons, random jobs, and self-examination.

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Ashley Needles

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