During my pregnancy, everyone focused on me. Grocery store clerks would pressure my partner to give me massages or give him guilt over not doing enough. Guilted and shamed a man who with bleeding fingers would try to give me shoulder massages, who brought me breakfast in bed every morning before going to work, a man who would get up every night to go make me a three course gourmet meal since I ate every two to three hours while I was pregnant and each time I ate, I ate a ton. Because I was pregnant, he was treated like dirt.
In my third trimester, the pipes broke. A freeze hit. We had no water. Digging in the frozen earth through a clay almost impossible to dig even in the summer, he started doing meth. After ten years of sobriety, he relapsed into drug use. He threatened to kill me and our unborn child picking up metal pipe to follow through on his words.
I left, wondering if the schizophrenia that ran in his family had hit him and fearing for the future of our daughter. Before then, he'd NEVER raised his voice to me. He'd been the sweetest person. I was hurt and confused.
My point? Men can feel overwhelmed, frustrated, and shamed into making bad choices. I noticed while I was pregnant how I was treated with care and concern but the father of my daughter was treated like scum, like nothing he did was enough.
Even with all the support I had while I was pregnant I still had fears and insecurities. I was lucky to have so many people, even strangers shower me with encouragement. Men don't get that. Men need it too.
Men worry about providing for their partner, they wonder if they are doing enough. Our society degrades fathers in the prenatal stage of parenthood. Is this why there are so many single moms?
The government happily covers the expenses of prenatal mothers. Dental care, OB-GYN visits, transportation, mental health and more.
Fathers aren't carrying a baby and their physiology isn't going through the same major changes as the woman carrying the child, so what prenatal care do men need?
Education, therapy, and parenting classes. Education about inducing labor BTW men is something you'll like, it is all about pleasuring your partner in um... bedroom ways. ;) What even halfway straight guy wouldn't want to take that class?
The ex tried stressing me into labor and this is partially why I was in labor for three weeks and ended up having to have a C-section which lowers IQ two points in children on average. Having spent my entire life planning on a natural water birth in low light, I was devastated I couldn't give my daughter the advantages of natural birth.
The doctor treating me put me on suicide watch because he was so concerned. The procedure was painless but I cried through my daughter's "birth" feeling like a failure. I let her down her first day of life and felt like the world's worst mother. Not good for me and not good for my daughter.
If we educate fathers on the right ways of inducing labor we will have easier deliveries, healthier and happier children, better parent child bonding, and less chances of postpartum in mothers. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
Next, job training for any expectant parent that wants it would be amazing. While there are plenty of opportunities in the world to provide for our children, the training and tools to succeed are kept at a high price.
While some things like network marketing have much lower start up costs for instance, THIS ONE IS ABSOLUTELY FREE TO START and unlike most jobs it doesn't require a background check, an application, or even doing an interview and it can be done in your spare time!
Unfortunately the U.S. has the highest incarceration rate per capita in the world and so getting a job is intensely difficult for many of the poorest citizens in this country. People end up doing things out of desperation that aren't truly them. Like getting into drugs to fix pipes and once those choices are made the consequences tend to spiral into further desperation and more bad choices.
I believe most men and women are good. I believe most people want to be good parents. I believe we can help them make great choices by choosing kindness every day as we interact with each other.
As I've tried going out into the dating field again, I've noticed so many men are hurt and afraid of being used. I don't have the tolerance to let them take out their pain and frustration on me and don't allow them even first dates these days but I feel like the entire world is spiraling with pain and agony. People are so afraid of being hurt they are lashing out at the innocent to protect themselves creating a culture of isolation and loneliness. This needs to stop.
Men, I'm sorry for your pain. I know you don't want to be alone. I know you need to be protectors and feel strong and right now you don't. Maybe it starts with protecting those you meet from the pain you might project onto them.
Going to therapy is the new martial art. It has come a long way in the last forty years. It is no longer the willy nilly head shrinking of opinions and ideas of disparate partially crazy therapists that mess with people's minds without a true knowledge of what they are doing. In 2024, the fundamentals are researched based and proven techniques that are designed to bring unity in our relationships with each other. Trade your conflict and pain for peace and passion in your relationships.
Parenting is another part of therapy that has made vast advancements. Even in just the last ten years parenting studies have revealed so much that can be done to create better outcomes for our children. Yet men are kept willfully in the dark because society doesn't view them as primary care givers. This is changing which is wonderful but while parenting classes were offered to me when I was expecting my child's father was not welcome to attend because we weren't married.
Forcing religious rituals on people who don't believe the same way is contrary to every religion I've studied.
Giving fathers successful parenting techniques like emotion coaching will help all of us. I want my daughter to have a father and each day we carry on without that wonderful peice of family hurts.
My dad was a huge part of my life and the reason for my self confidence. I don't know how to give my daughter what a father can. I write this hoping things can change. Hoping for a ripple effect that when I do finally meet someone wonderful to be in our family he might be a kinder and gentler person because this blog has encouraged each person who reads it to have a bit more empathy and kindness for men in this world.
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