What I'm Longing For

I miss being someone's encourager. I miss cooking for someone after that someone had a long day. I miss being the anchor and rock that gets to listen and lift the weight off shoulders that were strained by it. 

I'm living my life and I'm happy. I just want to wish someone good luck and have a nice day and remind someone how great and wonderful they are. 

Those are the things burning inside me to get out and find a release. 

I want to hold someone and just be there when that person needs it. I want to watch another's favorite movie and see their smile as a favorite part is about to happen.

I'm bad at so many things in relationships. Bad at putting on rose-colored glasses and believing that a relationship is the one that is going to last. Especially when that person is the one I want to be with for forever. 

It scares me too much to believe something truly wonderful will last.

I over-analyze my partner's feelings and experiences trying to help the one I love to make sense of senseless things. Far too often I advise when I should just listen and be supportive. 

I get so focused on trying to impress someone I care about because I want them to stay so much I forget to be impressed by the one I care about. 

Being in love makes me nervous because I know things can fall apart or that person could die and I'd have to learn to live without them again. 

When Art died it was like learning to exist without an arm, a leg and my soul. 

I don't want to go through that again but I don't want to spend the rest of my life not having someone who can make me laugh in the middle of an argument and I want someone I can tell to shut up and just get naked already when he gets a cute scowl on his face. 

I want someone to kiss me until I forget the pizza in the oven and we both laugh as we eat the toppings off the burnt crust. 

I have so much inside I want to give someone but until that someone who wants it comes along I will be happy and live cherishing the nurturing light burning inside me. 

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A Parent's Nightmare

It was supposed to be an ordinary day, but a feeling something was going to go horribly wrong kept me awake the night before. I waited six months, because the first time they mentioned the routine procedure and the risks I knew my daughter was going to end up dead, or brain damaged. I thought I'd waited long enough. After six months I believed things would be ok. I told myself to relax and stop being paranoid. I shouldn't have. The anesthesiologist with tears in his eyes told me, "I'm not going to lie, she's not doing good. This is the worst day of my career." He was thinking of his career while my little girl was fighting for her life!? He felt bad so I said simply, "I know you tried your best," wondering if my happy sweet little girl would ever smile at me again. There was no point in making a scene. It wouldn't save her. It might kill her. I had to step back and breathe. I needed to focus on giving her all the love a

A Girl Can Dream, Right?

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Dreaming of Death

I dreamed I died, my usable organs were donated, and the rest of me was fed to the birds. I requested before I died, those who received my organs would gather once a year to celebrate my daughter's birthday. I dreamed pieces of my flesh were sent out to wildlife sanctuaries around the world. I dreamed each year, I could see my daughter with my eyes and she could feel my love surrounding her. I dreamed I soared with eagles, dove into the sea with the ospreys, and traveled the world in ecstasy. Gradually, I felt myself fading away into the darkness. My daughter's birthday came again. I lived in her smile and warmth. Like a brilliant sun, she brought life back to the surface. My essence swirled around her, through her. She became my home. I lived in her joy, in her peace I rested. Trees grew from the soil marked with remnants of my flesh, I felt the sun on their leaves, and I felt the cool rich soil bathing their roots. I felt myself in rivers flowing free and wild, splashing

Ashley Needles

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