Ashley Needles

Sabbatical: a friendly loving break up where two people want to be together but can't. Unless you ask Webster, Miriam or Oxford. Stupid me mentioned to him something, a secret I've been keeping for several years. Unlike me, he takes it seriously, whereas I do my best to ignore it most days until I break down under the weight of the damn thing. Unfortunately, he also reads my blog so that whole typing out my concerns about the relationship and the strain it's put on me led to him making the decision that it would be best for me if we broke up. He doesn't want it to be permanent just long enough for me to take care of well 'the damn secret.' Of course, he had to be a gentleman and instead of bringing up the big pink elephant in my life, he blamed it on his need to heal emotionally from his divorce and while I'm sure that played a part in it the whole us breaking up choice, I have a feeling that it was really my elephant on his mind. I don't know ...

Whenever I get into relationships, I lose friends. This time, the cost so far has been three friends. Two of those friends are people I've loved for over ten years and worse M, isn't talking to me. Which is my fault. (Another blog for another day) People always have an opinion on how you are running your life. Yesterday I got ground down for three hours about my choices and why all my choices were wrong. My friend who was lecturing me did it out of love for me because she's never seen me care about anyone like I do this one and she doesn't want me to mess it up. Nightmares. The first one I was on a university campus and my significant other was there giving a guest lecture on relationships. I was too afraid that he would think I was stalking him if I went in and sat in the front row because real life, of course, penetrated my dream and so things were awkward between us. I ended up getting locked out of the lecture because I was too busy hiding behind a trashcan...

Recently I started falling for a guy. He's funny, sweet, and patient with me. He likes cheesecake. Cheesecake, David's favorite dessert. Then there are other little commonalities. Those little things built up and a part of me snapped and I did that stupid self-sabotage test thing. The thing you do to your partner when you're afraid of the past repeating itself. In my marriage, I was accused of cheating with every guy I so much as looked at or knew the name of. I stopped talking to a lot of friends even my girl friends because he didn't like them. I cut myself off from everyone except those in the business trying to make my husband happy. So I went to a performance where I danced with every guy and girl who was willing and flirted a little. I made a facebook report the next day and this wonderful person didn't react. I pushed further. I flirted on facebook. I was crass and lewd remarking that I wanted to drag another person off to a cave somewhere. I got a reacti...

Autumn, trees blaze with brilliant colors, the air is crisp, the world dances naked and wild in the wind until snow dresses each branch and limb in trillions of diamonds. Fall decay, death, withering, green shriveling away into the ominous silence of bleak winter. Autumn brought gifts of Halloween, chocolate, costumes, childhood, my mother keeping the car warm as I knocked on neighbors doors who handed out homemade caramel apples and for one night the world filled up with magic and sorcery. I was fourteen it was October fourth when Fall showed its true face. My father in a haze of pain and insanity, did something horrific, something that would haunt us both until his death, leaving me sole heir of the memory. At sixteen autumn dug a deep well of first love. He was cigarettes and spice, tender and nice. Then fall returned in January he was taken, caged and changed into someone I no longer recognized. New year's eve brought Art into my life. He sang in a cafe...

You've probably heard of psychopaths and sociopaths those who lack empathy or guilt, but have you heard of schizoids? Schizoids are people who don't feel lonely. I know because I am one. I can miss people on rare occasions but I can and have spent years with only rare intermittent human contact and been completely content, which is something that would drive most people bonkers.   I'm not sure if there are names for the others I'm about to describe, but I have a theory loneliness, guilt and empathy are not the only emotional sensations a person is capable of lacking and I suspect most humans have at least one missing emotion. You've heard of depression I'm sure, an inability to be happy but what if it goes deeper than that? I have a friend whom I've known since kindergarten, he can feel frantic excitement at new places and new things but he is incapable of experiencing contentment and long-term happiness. For a time he will be excited about new ...